Confession #23: Sometimes, God's "Blessings" don't come in the ways that we want or hope they would

I know I shouldn't be posting something like this. I know I shouldn't be talking about God; I have no right whatsoever to talk about God, let alone even be listening to a song like this. I'm going to be honest for a minute, if that's okay with you. I am not currently living the life that a true "child of God", a self-proclaimed Christian should be living. I know that. And many of you who are reading this post know that too. I found out the other day from a trusted friend at my church that there are people in my church who are talking about me behind my back about some decisions I've made recently; about the lifestyle I'm currently living, and the complicated and sick situation I've put myself in. I'm not going to go into detail about that situation on here, because it's very personal and it's just something that I do not feel comfortable about discussing openly on the internet. For those of you who do know what's going on, if you do wish to talk about this situation with me in private, feel free to contact me either by text, call, or Facebook message and I'll be happy to talk to you about the situation. Please, just stop the rumors and please stop talking about me behind my back.

Anyway, today after church, after talking to my trusted friend, I realized that the current situation I am in is indeed sick and twisted. It's not emotionally, mentally, or physically healthy for me in any way at all, and I am now starting to realize that. The thing is... no matter how sick or twisted it may be, part of me doesn't want to get out of it. Part me is content with how things are right now. But, deep down, I know that this situation I've put myself in isn't good for me, in any way. Still, like I said, part of me isn't ready to let go yet... part of me doesn't want it to end. I know that eventually, it will have to end, and I will have to be the one to end it. But, as I've said, there's this part of me that doesn't want it to end at all, even though that part of me KNOWS that eventually this will all have to end, for various reasons.

This situation I'm in has been going on for almost 2 years now. It's taken a huge toll on my mental and emotional health, and it has all but about killed my spiritual health. I feel like I'm lower than dirt when I walk into my church now; I'm not comfortable singing on praise team anymore because I know I shouldn't be up there singing about God and Jesus, and Sunday School and sermons are basically major guilt trips. I don't feel like I can go back to God now, because quite honestly, I don't know if I will change. I wish to go back to the days when I was an innocent, wide-eyed girl who knew nothing about the world and the pain it brings. And I know I've changed... and I don't like the girl I've become. This is not me; this is not the real Erin. And it kills me, knowing that I've fallen down so far that I don't even know which way is up anymore. I cried a lot today. And today I did something I haven't done in a while. I went to a local park before I went to work at church and I prayed. I didn't pray quietly in my mind or use any fancy words. I believe that prayer is just talking to God, and that God wants us to come to Him like we would our best friend, and He wants us to be honest with Him; we don't have to hide anything from Him, since He already knows what we're going to say and what we're thinking about anyway. So, I sat there on the bench by the lake and just told God what was going on. Lately, I feel like God just doesn't care about me, at all, so while it was hard for me to believe that God was actually listening and that He actually cares about what's going on in my life, I felt that He was listening, and that He heard every word.

And now, knowing that people are talking about me behind my back, people who are supposed to care about me and who shouldn't judge others but let God judge them are now basically ready to stone me. I just wish that, if people really cared about me and were concerned about me that they would come talk to me in person and to my face instead. So, my friend suggested that I get some confidential counseling at church, to help me deal with this situation. My friend told me that I need to focus on me right now, that I need to learn to love and value myself, because I'm not doing that at all in this situation. As for the situation itself? I'm not going to do anything about that. Not just yet. I need to step back and get a better look at this and focus on learning to value and love myself, because right now, I do not see any value in myself and I definitely do not love myself.

So, here's the song I found. It actually makes me cry to listen to it, since it hits so close to home for me. And please pay attention to the lyrics, as they are so important.