Here's an example of a typical conversation I have with people when I first meet them:
New person: (after I've told them I'm in college and where I go) So what's your major?
Me: I'm a theatre major.
(And then, they usually say one of these statements)
New person: Oh! So, what do you plan to do with that?/Oh, that's nice/cool/interesting.
Me: Yeah, it's great to be doing what I love.
And then the inevitable question that I hate more than anything:
New person: So... what are you going to do after you graduate?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After having had this same conversation several times since I started going to Sam Houston, I've decided that I would make a post about why exactly I am a theatre major, so those of you who have wondered the same things about me can understand and can stop asking these questions, which quite honestly, I'm getting tired of trying to answer.
1. Theatre = Life.
Theatre, for me, is about life. It's about living in the moment, letting the emotions of your monologue or the lyrics from that chorus number wash over you and let it fill you up to the point where you have no other choice BUT to react in some way, whether positively or negatively.
2. Theatre is where I can find out who I am.
Acting is both about lying and about being real. You lie, because... well, you're not you. You're portraying someone else, a character, who you may or may not relate to on any level. And at the same time, it's about finding out who you are. As you get to know the character you also start making discoveries about yourself. You come to learn things about yourself you never knew before, and then in the end, you're a better person for it.
3. Theatre makes you feel.
Theatre is all about feelings and emotions; it's stories, lies, truths, love, loss, pain, joy, anger. If it makes you feel, it means something. I have seen so many shows, and every time I go see one I always feel something different. Shows have made me laugh, they have made me cry, they have made me angry. I think that, as a society, we have forgotten how to feel; we teach children that crying is wrong, that if a boy cries he is weak, and that if a girl cries it makes her weaker and therefore cannot ever be strong. We teach men and women that emotions are "pointless", that they get in the way and that any negative emotion is a "bad" emotion and should be medicated away. People need to FEEL. They need to be able to feel; to cry, to be angry, to be joyful and happy. And theatre makes that happen for so many people.
4. Theatre brings you a variety of amazing friends.
When I first started doing community theatre, it was mainly with family friendly, church-centered groups, so therefore most of the friends I made in theatre were friends who were usually younger than me (although I did meet a few adult and teenage friends from when I did my few shows with the Houston Family Arts Center) but mostly, they were friends who had grown up having the same values instilled in them as had been instilled in me. When I started attending Sam Houston, I knew that I would be around different people than I had gotten used to, but I was excited to be changing to a different theatre scene. I have made so many amazing friends in my first year at Sam, and I am excited to all the other friends I will make in the next few years. They say that the people you were friends with in college usually don't remain your friends after graduation, because then you all go off in different directions and will never see or hear from each other ever again. I hope that will not be the case with my new-found friends at Sam, because I can see us all staying friends for a long time.
5. Theatre forces you to see the world from different viewpoints.
While most people would be content to stay in the safety that is their Comfort Zone and not have to think about things that might seem contradictory to their belief system or set of morals, theatre forces you to stand in someone else's shoes and see the world through their eyes. One good example of this: last semester, I did a scene in my acting class with my good friend Chris from The American Clock by Arthur Miller. The scene we did was from later on in the play (if you've never heard of it or read it, go look it up. Seriously, talk about a great script!) and my character was... well, to put it bluntly, she was a Communist, and she really was passionate about her politics and her belief that Socialism was going to save America. Or when I did a scene from Beth Henley's Abundance (actually I've done two scenes from that now, but anyway) and my character was basically a mail-order bride who had come out West along with another girl to meet their husbands. I've never been in either of these situations, but I had to pretend that I knew what it was like to be that person, in order to make my performance believable and real. There are other examples I could give, but it would take up more time to go through them all.
6. Theatre makes me feel accepted.
Let's face it: I don't quite fit in anywhere. I have always thought that, ever since I was little. I thought that music and choir would give me a place to belong, but instead, it only made me feel more isolated. When I started doing theatre after I left CBC (supposedly having been "cured" of my anorexia) my mom told me about auditions at the local community center for a musical. She told me that she almost DIDN'T tell me because she was afraid that if I auditioned and didn't get a role that I would just fall back into my anorexia behaviors. But I did get a role (my first lead role) and... well, the rest is history. When I started going to Kingwood as a music major, I thought I had found my life's calling, but, as certain event unfolded in the three years I was there, I began to see that, perhaps, this was not what I was meant to do. In a way, it started feeling like high school all over again. So, when I finally got accepted to SHSU, I knew it would be an opportunity to see if theatre was where I was meant to go. And it is.
7. The feeling I get when I'm on stage is a feeling I can't find anywhere else.
When I'm on stage, whether singing or acting, or even dancing, I get this feeling that I have never felt before. It's better than falling in love! It's a feeling that, once you feel it, it becomes like a drug; you need more, you crave more, you can't get enough, and you will do anything to get back under that spotlight again. It's not easy to describe. It's like being on top of the world, only better. When you can make an audience laugh, cry, or sing along with you, you feel like you've done something truly worthwhile.
8. While it's not easy to explain every reason for why I love theatre and why I chose to pursue a degree in it, here are some quotes that summarize every reason perfectly.
"The theatre is the only institution in the world which has been dying for four thousand years and has never succumbed. It requires tough and devoted people to keep it alive." - John Steinbeck.
"Being onstage is just a feeling you cannot
duplicate anywhere else because the energy that the audience is giving
you forces you to give more energy. It's such an output exchange of
energy. You can't do that anywhere else."- Aaron Tveit.
"That the scarey thing about theatre - it doesn't live on. But that's actually the most beautiful thing about it, too. That's why it's more beautiful than film and certainly more beautiful than television, because it's like life. Real life. Any picture you take or any video that you make of yourself is not really you, it's only any image that represents the experience you had. In theatre, the process of it is the experience. Everyone goes through the process, and everyone has the experience together. It doesn't last - only in people's memories and in their hearts. That's the beauty and sadness of it. But that's life - the beauty and the sadness. And that's why theatre is life." - Sherie Rene Scott
"Movies will make you famous, television will make you rich, but theatre will make you good." - Terrence Mann
"There is that smaller world which is the stage, and that larger stage which is the world." - Isaac Goldberg.
"They say for every light on Broadway there is a broken heart, an unrealized dream. And that's the same way in every profession. So you have to want it more than anyone else, and you have to be your own champion, be your own superstar, blaze your own path, say yes to every opportunity, follow your instincts, be eager, and passionate, keep learning, nurture your real, lasting relationships, don't be a jerk, and free your imagination so you can become all that you want to be." - Sutton Foster.
"I regard the theatre as the greatest of all art forms, the most immediate way in which a human being can share with another the sense of what it is to be a human being." - Oscar Wilde.
"Acting is not about being someone different. It's finding the similarity in what is apparently different, then finding myself there." Meryl Streep.
"The world's a stage, but the play is badly cast." - Oscar Wilde.
"With any part you play, there is a certain amount of yourself in it. There has to be, otherwise it's just not acting. It's lying." - Johnny Depp.
"All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed." - Sean O'Casey.
"In the theatre we play. That's why we call them 'plays', right? We're playing together. That's a sweet and gentle way of saying it. Except it's very real. It's grown-up play. And that's how we stay in touch with the child within us." - Chita Rivera, excerpt from the book 'The Alchemy of Theatre'.
"Are people born Wicked? Or do they have Wickedness thrust upon them?" ~ Glinda the Good Witch from the musical 'Wicked'.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Friday, May 16, 2014
24 Confessions for my 24th Birthday
My 24th birthday was on Sunday, May 11, Mother's Day. In honor of this, I've decided to write out twenty-four confessions that people may or may not know about me. And so, without further ado, here's twenty-four confessions about me.
- I once tried to be a vegetarian. That didn't last long.
- I tried hooka once. I inhaled instead of exhaling, which made me choke on it. I didn't try that again.
- I play violin, and was in the Jackson Symphony Orchestra (JSO) for the few years we lived in Michigan, as well as taking violin lessons.
- When I was little, I wanted to be a veterinarian and a Power Ranger.
- I cut my hair several times when I was little. Those haircuts never turned out very well.
- I never played any sports when I was younger. The closest things I ever did to sports was swim lessons and roller skating. I wasn't interested in sports.
- I didn't have a lot of friends for the few years I was in public school, or at least, I don't remember having many friends, because I always wanted to put on shows and singing performances, and the other kids didn't want to do that.
- I actually had my first alcoholic drink a few weeks before my 21st birthday. I was at a party with my choir college friends.
- I've been drunk three times, but I've never had a hangover or thrown up while drunk. I have, however, done some things while drunk that I'm not proud of (but haven't we all?)
- I believe in ghosts, the supernatural, demons, spirits, angels, and basically anything related to the paranormal, including aliens. Basically, I believe that unexplainable things can and do happen.
- I don't claim to belong to any particular political party, and at this point in my life I am pro-choice, but I'm still unsure where exactly I stand on gay marriage, although I do support my LGBT friends.
- I am a believe in Jesus Christ and while I do claim to be a Christian, obviously there are some things I do have a different opinion and belief in that goes against general Christian doctrine.
- I don't believe that Christianity is the only "right" religion; all religions have their place in the spiritual realm and all have different aspects of them that I believe have significance.
- I love photography and would love to start my own photography business once I get training.
- I want to learn some form of martial arts and I want to try kickboxing.
- One time I was sexually assault at a Halloween party by an older man. His wife and daughter were just around the corner. I managed to get away before he could go any farther.
- At 21 I gave my virginity to a man I was madly in love with.
- The last three relationships I was in were with guys who were music majors, either instrumentalists or vocalists. Only one of those relationships ended with both of us on good terms.
- The thought of having kids scares the f*%#ing s@$t out of me. While most of my friends are getting married and having babies, I have no desire to have kids. I'm tired of being told "Oh you'll change your mind soon!", "Motherhood is such a joy!", "Your biological clock is ticking!" and worst of all, "If you don't have kids, you'll regret it when you're older." So, I'm going to get on my soap box for a minute, because I have something to say and I'm not going to say it again. DON'T. TELL. ME. HOW. TO. LIVE. MY. LIFE. It's MY body, MY life, and MY decision. Yes, my husband's opinion does matter, but he also respects me enough to know that an important decision like this is something that shouldn't be taken lightly and that if I don't feel ready or don't think it will be the best decision for both of us, he understands and respects that. Please respect me enough to not try and push your agenda on me, because the more people try to push, the more resistant I will become. I have my reasons for not wanting kids, and if you're really concerned about my reproductive activities you can ask me yourself. Rant over.
- I have an older brother and older sister, neither of which I have ever had a good relationship with. Sometimes I wonder if they wish I had never been born, then maybe they would be happier.
- Because I was home schooled, many people thought I would miss out on all the social activities of being in a public school system, or that I would be socially awkward, or not have a lot of friends. I am one of the most social people I know, and yes, to an extent I am socially awkward, but that's because I'm a theate major, and while I used to have a lot of friends back in high school, I have lost a lot of them over the years, but I guess that's just part of growing up.
- I often feel very isolated from the world, mostly because I don't have a lot of friends to do stuff with anymore; they've all gone off to other schools or are getting ready to go to other schools, and my biggest fear is that I will lose my only best friend (besides Eric) once she goes away to school too, but what's worse is that I already feel like I'm losing her.
- I hate math. Enough said.
- Being on stage and performing in front of people is the only place that I feel I can truly be myself. When I'm on stage, whether singing or acting, I feel that the stage is the safest place in the world. It's the only place where I can let myself feel all my emotions deeply and where I can share those emotions and feelings with everyone, because there is someone in that audience who needs to know that I understand how they feel, and that they are not alone in their feelings, and that it is okay to feel that way. I believe Oscar Wilde said it best: "I regard the theatre as the greatest of all art forms, the most immediate way in which a human being can share with another the sense of what it is to be a human being."
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
10 Honest Thoughts on being a Survivor of Anorexia
1. I look in the mirror, and I hate my body.
I hate how flat my chest is,
How wide my hips are, not small and petite like the models on TV and in magazines.
How big and flabby my butt is, not tight and round and firm like those Victoria's Secret models.
I hate that I will never be a size 2, or weigh less than 110 pounds.
But I also want to live.
2. My body image issues don't just stop at how much I weigh.
Whenever I see girls with small waists but large breasts, I wish that was me.
Whenever I see girls with chiseled abs and strong, muscular, lean bodies, I wish I had that much dedication to spend hours in the gym to tone my body.
Whenever I see girls with beautiful, flawless skin, I want to stick a paper bag over my head.
3. I love food, but I sometimes I feel guilty after eating it.
I feel ashamed sometimes when I eat more ice cream than the container says is a portion size.
I feel gross sometimes if I eat that piece of chocolate when I know I should have had a healthier alternative.
I feel disgusted with myself if I suddenly have a craving for something "fattening", like ice cream or cake.
4. I know that the women in magazines are often Photoshopped, but I don't care.
When I get a Victoria's Secret catalog in the mail, it makes me feel so depressed. But it also makes me want to go out and eat a gallon of ice cream, to wallow in my imperfections.
I sometimes want to download and buy Photoshop and edit all of my pictures on Facebook, just to make other people think I really do look that perfect.
I also want to download Photoshop to make my other friends jealous of how I look, because I want to be as beautiful as my friends are; I get so jealous when I see how beautiful and perfect my friends look in their pictures.
5. I don't always like the way I look in my clothes, but going clothes shopping makes me nervous.
It's always a nightmare to shop for clothes when all you're worried about is the fact that you wear double digit jean size.
While shopping for shirts isn't so bad, it's annoying when you try on a low-cut shirt and you're met with disappointment that your chest size isn't big enough to fill that shirt out just right.
And forget about bathing suit shopping. Even if everyone tells you how great you look in a bikini, you just can't believe them because, according to that dressing room mirror, you'll be sporting big t-shirts and long shorts this summer. Forget about tanning or looking cute for those summer parties; just plan to stay home and check out all your friends photos from their summer vacations in Costa Rica on Facebook.
6. When you know men don't find you attractive, but you can't quite figure out exactly why.
Is it because you aren't showing off every inch of skin you have, or is it because they don't want to see ANY of your skin?
Is it because you aren't wearing designer clothes, or is it because those cheap jeans you got from Walmart that your friend said didn't make your butt look big, actually DO make your butt look big and NOT in a good way?
Or is it because... you're just ugly?
7. Sometimes working out and exercising is the only way for you to calm your inner demons... and to shut up your inner fat girl who only wants to eat ice cream and binge watch TV shows on Netflix.
When I'm working out, no one can tell me what to do. I alone am in charge of my work out session, and for that hour or half an hour that I am in the gym, it makes me feel like I finally have control over my life.
I work out to be a healthy person, but I also work out so that I can feel somewhat better about putting on that cute shirt I've been wanting to wear for months but feel that I'm too "fat" to be able to wear.
I wish I had extra hours in the day, just so I could have more time to work out and still be able to do everything that needs to get done. And then, I could wear my cute shirts more often.
8. When you want to be healthy and look sexy and attractive for your spouse or your significant other, but you also wonder if they would still love you even if you weren't skinny anymore.
You wonder if they don't just love you for your personality and heart, but for your body as well, and if they do, could they be okay if you started putting on weight?
You wonder if, as you start to get older, if they will still love you, despite the sudden appearance of age spots, lines and wrinkles, sagging skin, and a less-than-perfect figure.
You wonder if having children will even be worth it, because of all that weight you know you will put on, and the one thing every woman dreads: stretch marks.
9. When people ask me questions like, "So... are you better now?" or, "Would you please talk to my best friend/my co-worker/my sister/my niece/my aunt/my mom/my cousin/my daughter/my neighbor? I think she has an eating disorder and it would be great if you could help her," or, "Why would you be scared of food? It's just food."
No, I'm not "better"; it's called recovery. I am a recovering anorexic.
Yes, I will try to talk to the person you wish for me to talk to, but it's not that simple. Some people don't want help.
It's not about food, at least, it's not just about food; there is always more to an eating disorder than just avoiding or binging and purging food.
10. I look in the mirror, and I hate my body.
I hate how flat my chest is,
How wide my hips are, not small and petite like the models on TV and in magazines.
How big and flabby my butt is, not tight and round and firm like those Victoria's Secret models.
I hate that I will never be a size 2, or weigh less than 110 pounds.
But I also want to live.
I want to live a wonderful, happy, healthy life.
I want to be the person I was meant to be.
I want to help others.
I want to help make other people happy.
I want to be a good person.
I am a survivor of anorexia.
I hate how flat my chest is,
How wide my hips are, not small and petite like the models on TV and in magazines.
How big and flabby my butt is, not tight and round and firm like those Victoria's Secret models.
I hate that I will never be a size 2, or weigh less than 110 pounds.
But I also want to live.
2. My body image issues don't just stop at how much I weigh.
Whenever I see girls with small waists but large breasts, I wish that was me.
Whenever I see girls with chiseled abs and strong, muscular, lean bodies, I wish I had that much dedication to spend hours in the gym to tone my body.
Whenever I see girls with beautiful, flawless skin, I want to stick a paper bag over my head.
3. I love food, but I sometimes I feel guilty after eating it.
I feel ashamed sometimes when I eat more ice cream than the container says is a portion size.
I feel gross sometimes if I eat that piece of chocolate when I know I should have had a healthier alternative.
I feel disgusted with myself if I suddenly have a craving for something "fattening", like ice cream or cake.
4. I know that the women in magazines are often Photoshopped, but I don't care.
When I get a Victoria's Secret catalog in the mail, it makes me feel so depressed. But it also makes me want to go out and eat a gallon of ice cream, to wallow in my imperfections.
I sometimes want to download and buy Photoshop and edit all of my pictures on Facebook, just to make other people think I really do look that perfect.
I also want to download Photoshop to make my other friends jealous of how I look, because I want to be as beautiful as my friends are; I get so jealous when I see how beautiful and perfect my friends look in their pictures.
5. I don't always like the way I look in my clothes, but going clothes shopping makes me nervous.
It's always a nightmare to shop for clothes when all you're worried about is the fact that you wear double digit jean size.
While shopping for shirts isn't so bad, it's annoying when you try on a low-cut shirt and you're met with disappointment that your chest size isn't big enough to fill that shirt out just right.
And forget about bathing suit shopping. Even if everyone tells you how great you look in a bikini, you just can't believe them because, according to that dressing room mirror, you'll be sporting big t-shirts and long shorts this summer. Forget about tanning or looking cute for those summer parties; just plan to stay home and check out all your friends photos from their summer vacations in Costa Rica on Facebook.
6. When you know men don't find you attractive, but you can't quite figure out exactly why.
Is it because you aren't showing off every inch of skin you have, or is it because they don't want to see ANY of your skin?
Is it because you aren't wearing designer clothes, or is it because those cheap jeans you got from Walmart that your friend said didn't make your butt look big, actually DO make your butt look big and NOT in a good way?
Or is it because... you're just ugly?
7. Sometimes working out and exercising is the only way for you to calm your inner demons... and to shut up your inner fat girl who only wants to eat ice cream and binge watch TV shows on Netflix.
When I'm working out, no one can tell me what to do. I alone am in charge of my work out session, and for that hour or half an hour that I am in the gym, it makes me feel like I finally have control over my life.
I work out to be a healthy person, but I also work out so that I can feel somewhat better about putting on that cute shirt I've been wanting to wear for months but feel that I'm too "fat" to be able to wear.
I wish I had extra hours in the day, just so I could have more time to work out and still be able to do everything that needs to get done. And then, I could wear my cute shirts more often.
8. When you want to be healthy and look sexy and attractive for your spouse or your significant other, but you also wonder if they would still love you even if you weren't skinny anymore.
You wonder if they don't just love you for your personality and heart, but for your body as well, and if they do, could they be okay if you started putting on weight?
You wonder if, as you start to get older, if they will still love you, despite the sudden appearance of age spots, lines and wrinkles, sagging skin, and a less-than-perfect figure.
You wonder if having children will even be worth it, because of all that weight you know you will put on, and the one thing every woman dreads: stretch marks.
9. When people ask me questions like, "So... are you better now?" or, "Would you please talk to my best friend/my co-worker/my sister/my niece/my aunt/my mom/my cousin/my daughter/my neighbor? I think she has an eating disorder and it would be great if you could help her," or, "Why would you be scared of food? It's just food."
No, I'm not "better"; it's called recovery. I am a recovering anorexic.
Yes, I will try to talk to the person you wish for me to talk to, but it's not that simple. Some people don't want help.
It's not about food, at least, it's not just about food; there is always more to an eating disorder than just avoiding or binging and purging food.
10. I look in the mirror, and I hate my body.
I hate how flat my chest is,
How wide my hips are, not small and petite like the models on TV and in magazines.
How big and flabby my butt is, not tight and round and firm like those Victoria's Secret models.
I hate that I will never be a size 2, or weigh less than 110 pounds.
But I also want to live.
I want to live a wonderful, happy, healthy life.
I want to be the person I was meant to be.
I want to help others.
I want to help make other people happy.
I want to be a good person.
I am a survivor of anorexia.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
A Look Back on 2013, and Other Stuff
Well, here we are, ladies and gentlemen: 2014. Funny how 2013 just seemed to fly by so fast. New Year's Eve, I spent helping my mom at her work (she works at a retirement home and just got promoted to Activities Director, so she's been very swamped at work and since I'm on winter break, I've been helping her out until they get fully staffed) and then I came home and had a small get-together with some of my close (and really only) friends and my husband, and we rang in the new year. Note to self: tequila is NOT your friend, and it never will be. While I only had two margaritas, and quite honestly I didn't put much alcohol in either of them, and I only had one wine cocktail, I didn't feel the best the next morning. I guess that is what I get for not having had much alcohol in the last couple months. Oh well.
So... let's be honest, 2013 was definitely my year. I don't mean that to sound selfish, but in a way, it was. I finally had a year where only good things happened to me. I finally had a year where I can look back on it and smile, knowing that not a single horrible thing happened to me. I finally got everything I've ever wanted: a husband who loves me and cares for me deeply, and going to the school of my dreams (even if I'm not majoring in what I really wanted to.) Yeah, there were a few bumps along the way; lost some friends (or people who I thought were friends) and made a few new ones but most importantly, I found out who my true friends are. And to me, I would much rather have a few true friends than a bunch of people who claim to be my friends.
Now that 2014 is here, I have a few things to look forward to, mainly auditions and continuing on with school. I have four auditions at school coming up in about two weeks and I still need to work on memorizing my monologues (at least I have them picked out, so the hardest part is done) and then just focus on getting through another semester. As far as summer plans go, haven't figured that out yet. I would like to volunteer at an animal shelter, but that's the only thing I have thought of so far. I am trying to not think about/worry about things that are too far ahead in the future; I'm trying to learn to take things slowly and just focus on what I can right now, or in my case, for the upcoming semester. I have a tendency to think too much about/worry too much about the future and things that are too far out of my control, so I'm wanting to take things slowly, one step at a time, and save myself from unnecessary stress.
If you've read my last couple posts about learning to "Let It Go", then you probably already know what some of my new year's resolutions are. But I don't want to think of them as "new year's resolutions"; I want to think of them as life resolutions; things I want/need to do for the rest of my life, things I need to change about myself, but that I know will take much more than a single year to resolve. And I think that's okay. I think it's okay to not try to make big life changes in a single year. It's one thing to resolve to lose 15/20 pounds in a year or in six months; it's something else entirely when you want to change your entire thought process/behavior/personality in a year to six months. To me, that's far too much pressure. Better to know that you need to change and to make conscious efforts throughout the years to make those changes happen.
One thing I'm going to do this year is start with me. I have a lot of personal changes I need to make, but in order to make those changes, I have to be willing to be open about my struggles and challenges so that I can learn from them, change them and grow. There's a lot of things in this world that could be changed if people just focused on changing themselves to think different, to respond differently, to be more open and honest with themselves and with others. This world would be a much better place if everyone stopped pointing fingers, name calling and blaming others and just focused on themselves and change themselves for the better.
So, whatever your new year's resolution is, whether it's to lose weight/get healthy, get out of debt/be more conscious with your finances, go back to school, get a better, more fulfilling job, quit smoking/drinking, whatever it is, do it for you. Don't do it because your parents/friends/family say you should, don't do it because "everyone else is doing it"; do it for you. Do it because YOU want to, or because, deep down, you know you really need to. If it's losing weight you want to do, do it because you want to feel better and look better for you; not for your parents, not for your friends, not for your husband/wife, not for your kids, not for anyone but you. Do it for your own personal health. Do it so that you can feel better about yourself. Do it because you love yourself, which is hard to do, I know. But above all else, you need to do it for you, because loving your body and taking care of it is the best thing you could ever do for yourself and for those who love you and want to spend many happy years with you. The same thing goes for if you're wanting to quit smoking or drinking. ALL OF THAT APPLIES TO YOU TOO. Do it for yourself and for your own personal health. Trust me, your body will thank you later.
And now, here's Mr. Michael Jackson. This song is basically what I want to live by for the rest of this year and all the years to come.
So... let's be honest, 2013 was definitely my year. I don't mean that to sound selfish, but in a way, it was. I finally had a year where only good things happened to me. I finally had a year where I can look back on it and smile, knowing that not a single horrible thing happened to me. I finally got everything I've ever wanted: a husband who loves me and cares for me deeply, and going to the school of my dreams (even if I'm not majoring in what I really wanted to.) Yeah, there were a few bumps along the way; lost some friends (or people who I thought were friends) and made a few new ones but most importantly, I found out who my true friends are. And to me, I would much rather have a few true friends than a bunch of people who claim to be my friends.
Now that 2014 is here, I have a few things to look forward to, mainly auditions and continuing on with school. I have four auditions at school coming up in about two weeks and I still need to work on memorizing my monologues (at least I have them picked out, so the hardest part is done) and then just focus on getting through another semester. As far as summer plans go, haven't figured that out yet. I would like to volunteer at an animal shelter, but that's the only thing I have thought of so far. I am trying to not think about/worry about things that are too far ahead in the future; I'm trying to learn to take things slowly and just focus on what I can right now, or in my case, for the upcoming semester. I have a tendency to think too much about/worry too much about the future and things that are too far out of my control, so I'm wanting to take things slowly, one step at a time, and save myself from unnecessary stress.
If you've read my last couple posts about learning to "Let It Go", then you probably already know what some of my new year's resolutions are. But I don't want to think of them as "new year's resolutions"; I want to think of them as life resolutions; things I want/need to do for the rest of my life, things I need to change about myself, but that I know will take much more than a single year to resolve. And I think that's okay. I think it's okay to not try to make big life changes in a single year. It's one thing to resolve to lose 15/20 pounds in a year or in six months; it's something else entirely when you want to change your entire thought process/behavior/personality in a year to six months. To me, that's far too much pressure. Better to know that you need to change and to make conscious efforts throughout the years to make those changes happen.
One thing I'm going to do this year is start with me. I have a lot of personal changes I need to make, but in order to make those changes, I have to be willing to be open about my struggles and challenges so that I can learn from them, change them and grow. There's a lot of things in this world that could be changed if people just focused on changing themselves to think different, to respond differently, to be more open and honest with themselves and with others. This world would be a much better place if everyone stopped pointing fingers, name calling and blaming others and just focused on themselves and change themselves for the better.
So, whatever your new year's resolution is, whether it's to lose weight/get healthy, get out of debt/be more conscious with your finances, go back to school, get a better, more fulfilling job, quit smoking/drinking, whatever it is, do it for you. Don't do it because your parents/friends/family say you should, don't do it because "everyone else is doing it"; do it for you. Do it because YOU want to, or because, deep down, you know you really need to. If it's losing weight you want to do, do it because you want to feel better and look better for you; not for your parents, not for your friends, not for your husband/wife, not for your kids, not for anyone but you. Do it for your own personal health. Do it so that you can feel better about yourself. Do it because you love yourself, which is hard to do, I know. But above all else, you need to do it for you, because loving your body and taking care of it is the best thing you could ever do for yourself and for those who love you and want to spend many happy years with you. The same thing goes for if you're wanting to quit smoking or drinking. ALL OF THAT APPLIES TO YOU TOO. Do it for yourself and for your own personal health. Trust me, your body will thank you later.
And now, here's Mr. Michael Jackson. This song is basically what I want to live by for the rest of this year and all the years to come.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Confession #34: It's hard to "Let It Go", Part 2
In my last post, I talked about how hard it often is to let go of painful memories from the past. Well, that's just one of many things that I need to let go of, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has a lot of things they need to let go of. One thing a lot of people have trouble letting go of are past regrets or past guilt. And with a new year approaching soon (yeah I know, we still have Christmas, but hey, that's next week, so... yeah, 2014 is basically right around the corner) I always like to try and start the new year off with a clean slate and a game plan for how I want to improve myself to become a better person. I found this on Facebook and after reading through it, I have found there is a lot on this list that I want to try and accomplish for the new year. I decided to highlight all the things I want to work on (which is basically all of them, haha!) but this is a great list that I just wanted to share with everyone. Yeah, I probably won't be able to make all of these changes in 2014; a lot of these things are life-long changes we make as we go along and learn more about ourselves, but, it's a good place to start for new year's resolutions. I will post again before Christmas, and of course I'll write a post after Christmas, but then I think I'll just stick to my Youtube channel until New Years Eve. Until next time, my fellow readers!
Here are 20 things to let go of in order to reach unlimited happiness.
1. Let go of all thoughts that don't make you feel empowered and strong.
2. Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.
3. Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.
4. Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was exactly what you wanted.
5. Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.
6. Let go of blaming anyone for anything; be accountable for your own life. If you don’t like something, you have two choices, accept it or change it.
7. Let go of thinking you are damaged; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are.
8. Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart.
9. Let go of being the “go-to person” for everyone, all the time; stop blowing yourself off and take care of yourself first … because you matter.
10. Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.
11. Let go of thinking there's a right and wrong way to do things or to see the world. Enjoy the contrast and celebrate the diversity and richness of life.
12. Let go of cheating on your future with your past. It’s time to move on and tell a new story.
13. Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.
14. Let go of anger toward ex lovers and family. We all deserve happiness and love; just because it is over doesn’t mean the love was wrong.
15. Let go of the need to do more and be more; for today, you've done the best you can, and that's enough.
16. Let go of thinking you have to know how to make it happen; we learn the way on the way.
17. Let go of your money woes — make a plan to pay off debt and focus on your abundance.
18. Let go of trying to save or change people. Everyone has her own path, and the best thing you can do is work on yourself and stop focusing on others.
19. Let go of trying to fit in and be accepted by everyone. Your uniqueness is what makes you outstanding.
20. Let go of self-hate. You are not the shape of your body or the number on the scale. Who you are matters, and the world needs you as you are. Celebrate you!
Here are 20 things to let go of in order to reach unlimited happiness.
1. Let go of all thoughts that don't make you feel empowered and strong.
2. Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.
3. Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.
4. Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was exactly what you wanted.
5. Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.
6. Let go of blaming anyone for anything; be accountable for your own life. If you don’t like something, you have two choices, accept it or change it.
7. Let go of thinking you are damaged; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are.
8. Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart.
9. Let go of being the “go-to person” for everyone, all the time; stop blowing yourself off and take care of yourself first … because you matter.
10. Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.
11. Let go of thinking there's a right and wrong way to do things or to see the world. Enjoy the contrast and celebrate the diversity and richness of life.
12. Let go of cheating on your future with your past. It’s time to move on and tell a new story.
13. Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.
14. Let go of anger toward ex lovers and family. We all deserve happiness and love; just because it is over doesn’t mean the love was wrong.
15. Let go of the need to do more and be more; for today, you've done the best you can, and that's enough.
16. Let go of thinking you have to know how to make it happen; we learn the way on the way.
17. Let go of your money woes — make a plan to pay off debt and focus on your abundance.
18. Let go of trying to save or change people. Everyone has her own path, and the best thing you can do is work on yourself and stop focusing on others.
19. Let go of trying to fit in and be accepted by everyone. Your uniqueness is what makes you outstanding.
20. Let go of self-hate. You are not the shape of your body or the number on the scale. Who you are matters, and the world needs you as you are. Celebrate you!
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Confession #33: Sometimes it's hard to "Let It Go"
I'm going to try and ignore the fact that it's been at least three months (maybe more) since my last post and just get down to business. I haven't posted anything in a while because I felt that, now that I'm married and going to a new school and basically starting my life over again that I didn't need this blog anymore. How wrong I was. Just because I have Eric now doesn't mean that he can solve all my problems, and it would be unfair of me to think he can help solve them all. Because it's been a while since I posted anything, I'm a bit rusty in expressing my thoughts through typing, so bear with me.
My first semester at Sam Houston State University is coming to an end soon; one more week left and then finals week. I can safely say this has been an experience. I've met some great people, from teachers to students, and I've learned more than I ever thought I would in my first semester. I have been taking a costuming class, so I've learned to sew a little, my beginning acting class, Stage Movement, Theatre History one, and tech crew, so I helped build some of the set pieces for the shows. I've also met some not-so-great people as well, and I've taken mental notes all semester on what kind of person I don't want to become in life so I don't turn out like them. I've only managed to have one emotional break down during tech week for Trojan Women so I'm proud of myself for being able to keep it together for as long as I did. I've enjoyed going to see my fellow actors perform in the school's productions for this semester (Red, Trojan Women, We Are Proud to Present a Presentation About the Herero of Namibia, Formerly Know as South West Africa, from the German Sudwestafrika, Between the years 1884-1915, and Urinetown) and I ran sound for Trojan Women. Yes, indeed, it has been one hell of a ride this semester.
My life has changed, there's no doubt about that. I've come into a new chapter of my life, and I'm in quite a strange transition; being a full-time college student while also being a wife. Some people think I'm too young to be married, but I know people who are younger than me and are married. It's a strange feeling; I feel too old to hang out with college kids, and yet I feel too young to hang out with other married couples, because most of them have kids, something I'm still not entirely sure I want yet. Today, December 1, Eric and I celebrated our six month wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's been six months already; I feel like we've been together longer than that. On Saturday, Eric took me to dinner at Chili's, then we went to see a new movie that just came out on Thanksgiving called "Frozen", and one of my favorite Broadway stars was the voice of one of the main characters, Idina Menzel (to be honest, that's really the only reason I wanted to see it because she was in it) but in the end I loved it more than I thought I would (you should check it out, by the way, it's AWESOME!)
One of the songs Idina's character sings is called "Let It Go", and not only did I love hearing Idina sing it, but I also loved the song itself. It spoke to me in a way that song hasn't spoke to me in a while, and I've been listening to it a lot today. It's funny how, when I find a song that speaks to me, I honestly can't describe why or how it does, because... well, that's one of the magical things about songs; when they speak to you, they just do, and sometimes it's hard to explain to people why it means so much to you. For me, it's always about the lyrics; if the lyrics mean something to me or inspire me in some way, it feels like I've found a best friend who finally gets me. In the words of Hans Christian Andersen, "When words fail, music speaks."
I know some people could argue that I'm still young and that I still have yet to say that I've seen my share of heartache, sorrow, pain, and all that jazz; that I have yet to say I've seen my share of hard times. But that's not true, at least I don't think so. Some things are hard to let go, no matter how painful or how much you want to desperately forget them and move on. But in order to fully live your life the way you want to, with no guilt or constantly living with those pesky little "what if"s, we need to let it go and let ourselves be free to move on. They say that everything that happens to us is what shapes us into who we are today; the good, the bad, the love, the heartbreak, the pain, the joy, all of it, makes us who we are. If those things hadn't happened to me, I wouldn't be me. If those beautiful and painful moments in my life had never happened, or if I had chosen different paths to take, I wouldn't be me. And yeah, there's things about myself I would like to change, but the way I see it, the people who truly love me and have stuck by me through all of it don't care about who I might have been or who I could have been: they care about me, just as I am. Right here, right now; they don't care about the dumb choices I made, they just care about Erin.
After I heard this song, I felt like I had found a new theme song for my life. It said everything I've been holding inside for so long without having any way to express them or let them out. When people ask me what I'm thinking about or how I am, my automatic response is "Nothing" or "Fine, how are you?" but sometimes that's not true. Sometimes I'm thinking about so many things at once that I can't even pin-point one thing to tell them about, or that I'm feeling so many things that I can't figure out where to start. Someone once told me I have "racing thoughts"; thoughts that go so fast you don't really know exactly what you're thinking or that you're just thinking of so many things at once that you can't keep up with them all. That's kind of why it's been hard for me to write any new posts lately. Not only have I been crazy busy, but I also just haven't been able to control my thoughts for a few minutes to get them in order and sort through them. But after hearing this song, I realized that by listening to this song, I could get my thoughts together.
I want to let go. I want to move on. I want to forgive but not forget and learn from it and let it shape me in a positive way. I don't want it to haunt me for the rest of my life. Some people may know what I'm talking about, but if you don't, I'm talking about the last guy I was with before I met Eric. That "relationship" changed me in so many ways, and not all of those changes were positive or good for me. Two years of my life gone, wasted on someone who didn't love me or care for me. Two years that I can never get back again. Yes, I do have Eric now and yes, I have the rest of my life with him to make wonderful memories that will someday push out those two years of broken memories. But I wish... I don't know what I wish. If I hadn't been in that "relationship", if I hadn't ended it when I did in England back in 2012, I would never have met Eric, and that's the truth.
Anyway, enough of me rambling. Here's the song. Take a good listen to the lyrics. You want to know how I feel? Then you'll listen. I've even put the lyrics here if you want to read them.
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation
and it looks like I'm the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I've tried.
Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know.
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway.
It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all
Its time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I'm free.
Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry
Here I stand and here I stay
Let the storm rage on.
My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back, the past is in the past.
Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway.
My first semester at Sam Houston State University is coming to an end soon; one more week left and then finals week. I can safely say this has been an experience. I've met some great people, from teachers to students, and I've learned more than I ever thought I would in my first semester. I have been taking a costuming class, so I've learned to sew a little, my beginning acting class, Stage Movement, Theatre History one, and tech crew, so I helped build some of the set pieces for the shows. I've also met some not-so-great people as well, and I've taken mental notes all semester on what kind of person I don't want to become in life so I don't turn out like them. I've only managed to have one emotional break down during tech week for Trojan Women so I'm proud of myself for being able to keep it together for as long as I did. I've enjoyed going to see my fellow actors perform in the school's productions for this semester (Red, Trojan Women, We Are Proud to Present a Presentation About the Herero of Namibia, Formerly Know as South West Africa, from the German Sudwestafrika, Between the years 1884-1915, and Urinetown) and I ran sound for Trojan Women. Yes, indeed, it has been one hell of a ride this semester.
My life has changed, there's no doubt about that. I've come into a new chapter of my life, and I'm in quite a strange transition; being a full-time college student while also being a wife. Some people think I'm too young to be married, but I know people who are younger than me and are married. It's a strange feeling; I feel too old to hang out with college kids, and yet I feel too young to hang out with other married couples, because most of them have kids, something I'm still not entirely sure I want yet. Today, December 1, Eric and I celebrated our six month wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's been six months already; I feel like we've been together longer than that. On Saturday, Eric took me to dinner at Chili's, then we went to see a new movie that just came out on Thanksgiving called "Frozen", and one of my favorite Broadway stars was the voice of one of the main characters, Idina Menzel (to be honest, that's really the only reason I wanted to see it because she was in it) but in the end I loved it more than I thought I would (you should check it out, by the way, it's AWESOME!)
One of the songs Idina's character sings is called "Let It Go", and not only did I love hearing Idina sing it, but I also loved the song itself. It spoke to me in a way that song hasn't spoke to me in a while, and I've been listening to it a lot today. It's funny how, when I find a song that speaks to me, I honestly can't describe why or how it does, because... well, that's one of the magical things about songs; when they speak to you, they just do, and sometimes it's hard to explain to people why it means so much to you. For me, it's always about the lyrics; if the lyrics mean something to me or inspire me in some way, it feels like I've found a best friend who finally gets me. In the words of Hans Christian Andersen, "When words fail, music speaks."
I know some people could argue that I'm still young and that I still have yet to say that I've seen my share of heartache, sorrow, pain, and all that jazz; that I have yet to say I've seen my share of hard times. But that's not true, at least I don't think so. Some things are hard to let go, no matter how painful or how much you want to desperately forget them and move on. But in order to fully live your life the way you want to, with no guilt or constantly living with those pesky little "what if"s, we need to let it go and let ourselves be free to move on. They say that everything that happens to us is what shapes us into who we are today; the good, the bad, the love, the heartbreak, the pain, the joy, all of it, makes us who we are. If those things hadn't happened to me, I wouldn't be me. If those beautiful and painful moments in my life had never happened, or if I had chosen different paths to take, I wouldn't be me. And yeah, there's things about myself I would like to change, but the way I see it, the people who truly love me and have stuck by me through all of it don't care about who I might have been or who I could have been: they care about me, just as I am. Right here, right now; they don't care about the dumb choices I made, they just care about Erin.
After I heard this song, I felt like I had found a new theme song for my life. It said everything I've been holding inside for so long without having any way to express them or let them out. When people ask me what I'm thinking about or how I am, my automatic response is "Nothing" or "Fine, how are you?" but sometimes that's not true. Sometimes I'm thinking about so many things at once that I can't even pin-point one thing to tell them about, or that I'm feeling so many things that I can't figure out where to start. Someone once told me I have "racing thoughts"; thoughts that go so fast you don't really know exactly what you're thinking or that you're just thinking of so many things at once that you can't keep up with them all. That's kind of why it's been hard for me to write any new posts lately. Not only have I been crazy busy, but I also just haven't been able to control my thoughts for a few minutes to get them in order and sort through them. But after hearing this song, I realized that by listening to this song, I could get my thoughts together.
I want to let go. I want to move on. I want to forgive but not forget and learn from it and let it shape me in a positive way. I don't want it to haunt me for the rest of my life. Some people may know what I'm talking about, but if you don't, I'm talking about the last guy I was with before I met Eric. That "relationship" changed me in so many ways, and not all of those changes were positive or good for me. Two years of my life gone, wasted on someone who didn't love me or care for me. Two years that I can never get back again. Yes, I do have Eric now and yes, I have the rest of my life with him to make wonderful memories that will someday push out those two years of broken memories. But I wish... I don't know what I wish. If I hadn't been in that "relationship", if I hadn't ended it when I did in England back in 2012, I would never have met Eric, and that's the truth.
Anyway, enough of me rambling. Here's the song. Take a good listen to the lyrics. You want to know how I feel? Then you'll listen. I've even put the lyrics here if you want to read them.
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation
and it looks like I'm the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I've tried.
Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know.
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway.
It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all
Its time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I'm free.
Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry
Here I stand and here I stay
Let the storm rage on.
My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back, the past is in the past.
Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Confession #32: Stressed? Headphones in, Ignore the World
WOW. So, it's been... I have no idea how long since I wrote a post on here, which means it's been too long, SO. With that in mind, I will try to get everyone caught up on the aspects of my life as it has been as of late. For those who don't know, on June 1, I got married to the love of my life, Eric Bergerson. I am also heading off to Sam Houston State University this fall to pursue my Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in Theatre with an Emphasis in Acting and Directing. Eric and I will also be moving to Conroe soon, so that I can be closer to school, and while he'll still be working in Porter, it will only be about a thirty minute drive for him from Conroe to Porter, but I also know he's thinking about getting a different job, one that doesn't stress him out as much. While a lot of things have happened recently, there's only so much I feel I can actually talk about, or post on here, not so much for personal reasons, but because, if I do talk about them here, people will get hurt. I supposed I could always leave out the person's name, but then again, if they happen to read this, they will know who they are and will still be hurt. So, I guess it's just safe to say that I've lost a lot of "friends" in the past couple months, but I've also, in the process, discovered who my true friends are, which is few.
It's interesting how, on social media sites like Facebook, everyone likes to post about their personal political and religious beliefs. It doesn't bother me when people do that; we all have our own personal values and morals, and if you want to post that for all to see, I don't care. Good for you. But, it seems, when I try to do so, I get verbally attacked by those who disagree. Now, I don't care if people agree with me or not, that's whatever. But is it REALLY necessary to verbally assault someone just because they don't agree with you? I think that's a bit idiotic, if you ask me. We should all be free to express our opinions openly and without judgment from others. If I see something on Facebook that I don't agree with, I generally make it a personal responsibility to NOT SAY ANYTHING. I simply remove it from my newsfeed and carry on. I wish more people would do that. That's why I've lost a lot of "friends", you see; because I don't agree with their opinions, or they don't agree with mine, so they throw a temper tantrum like a child and un-friend me. I've seen A LOT of things on Facebook that I don't agree with, BELIEVE ME. But does that give me the right to criticize them for not seeing the world that way I do? Absolutely not. So, next time you see something on your newsfeed that you don't agree with, instead of suddenly getting your degree in law and criticizing someone for having different morals and values than you, simply click the little arrow next to the post, click "I don't want to see this" and viola! You will never see it again. Simple as that.
Anyway, all that aside, I am both excited and nervous about what the next few months will bring us, what with me heading off to Sam Houston. I have to admit, I am rather nervous about going to Sam. I mean, it's a new school, new people, new teachers, new classes. I'm even starting down a completely different degree path, doing theatre instead of music. I just recently registered for my classes at Sam Houston, and it looks like I'll be pulling another 13 credit hour semester (been there, done that) so I'm excited for that. I'm also really nervous because, well... I've never taken any formal theatre training. EVER. I've never taken acting classes or taken any classes related to theatre, and I'm a bit worried that it will turn out to be something I don't really want to do. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love acting and being in shows, but... maybe it's not what I'm meant to do. I suppose the only way to find out is to just go for it and see what happens.
It's strange; I used to use this blog all the time, to get out my feelings and thoughts so they didn't consume me. And now? I feel like my thoughts are always racing, constantly shifting, never staying still for a second. Eric will often ask me, "What are you thinking?" and the majority of the time I just say that I love him, because... well, yes, I do love him, but to tell him that I am literally thinking of a million things all at once is hard. I often hate how much like a "woman" I am; the changing moods, the sugar cravings, the love/hate relationship with my own body, the thought process that often never makes sense even to me, and basically everything that is stereotypical of being a woman. While I wouldn't trade who I am for anything (well, actually... no, that's a topic for another day) I sometimes wish I could take the parts of my personality that I don't like and trade them in for someone else's personality. I think, in truth, we're all like that sometimes; wishing we could just change those certain parts of ourselves that we don't like for something better. I also wish I could erase all of the painful memories... life would be much simpler if I didn't have painful memories that like to haunt me in the night when I can't sleep.
As of September 7, Eric and I will be moving into our apartment in Conroe. Part of me is really excited; I'm ready to start a new life in a new place where no one knows my name or my history. But part of me is afraid. I've never lived in an apartment complex before, and from all the horror stories you hear about and all the horrible incidents you see on the news every night, I'm afraid. I know the chances of anything happening to me while we're there are slim, but... things happen.
I've recently found myself writing more. For a while, I stopped writing poetry and stories, because A. I didn't ever seem to have the time to just sit and be alone with my thoughts for an hour, and B. I just didn't feel inspired to write anything for a while. But recently, it seems inspiration has found me, and I have started writing a story and a poem. I had forgotten how therapeutic and calming writing can be.
I've come to the conclusion that doing anything creative or involving the fine arts, whether it be drawing (I can't draw to save my life), painting (can't paint to save my life), acting, singing, listening to music, dancing, writing, anything that lets me just let go and explore the depths of my mind and boundaries is basically free therapy for me. Some people think talking to others people is therapy, or even talking to their pets is therapy. And those are all good things; talking to others (even pets) can be very helpful and therapeutic for getting things off your chest or getting your jumbled thoughts straight. Talking to others is sometimes helpful for me, but most of the time I feel I can't express myself well enough in just words. Sometimes words aren't enough. Or, if all else fails, I hit the gym, and sweating it out makes me feel better too.
Well, I suppose this is enough for one post today. I might post my poem when it's finished, see what you think of it. Until next time, dear readers, ciao!
It's interesting how, on social media sites like Facebook, everyone likes to post about their personal political and religious beliefs. It doesn't bother me when people do that; we all have our own personal values and morals, and if you want to post that for all to see, I don't care. Good for you. But, it seems, when I try to do so, I get verbally attacked by those who disagree. Now, I don't care if people agree with me or not, that's whatever. But is it REALLY necessary to verbally assault someone just because they don't agree with you? I think that's a bit idiotic, if you ask me. We should all be free to express our opinions openly and without judgment from others. If I see something on Facebook that I don't agree with, I generally make it a personal responsibility to NOT SAY ANYTHING. I simply remove it from my newsfeed and carry on. I wish more people would do that. That's why I've lost a lot of "friends", you see; because I don't agree with their opinions, or they don't agree with mine, so they throw a temper tantrum like a child and un-friend me. I've seen A LOT of things on Facebook that I don't agree with, BELIEVE ME. But does that give me the right to criticize them for not seeing the world that way I do? Absolutely not. So, next time you see something on your newsfeed that you don't agree with, instead of suddenly getting your degree in law and criticizing someone for having different morals and values than you, simply click the little arrow next to the post, click "I don't want to see this" and viola! You will never see it again. Simple as that.
Anyway, all that aside, I am both excited and nervous about what the next few months will bring us, what with me heading off to Sam Houston. I have to admit, I am rather nervous about going to Sam. I mean, it's a new school, new people, new teachers, new classes. I'm even starting down a completely different degree path, doing theatre instead of music. I just recently registered for my classes at Sam Houston, and it looks like I'll be pulling another 13 credit hour semester (been there, done that) so I'm excited for that. I'm also really nervous because, well... I've never taken any formal theatre training. EVER. I've never taken acting classes or taken any classes related to theatre, and I'm a bit worried that it will turn out to be something I don't really want to do. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love acting and being in shows, but... maybe it's not what I'm meant to do. I suppose the only way to find out is to just go for it and see what happens.
It's strange; I used to use this blog all the time, to get out my feelings and thoughts so they didn't consume me. And now? I feel like my thoughts are always racing, constantly shifting, never staying still for a second. Eric will often ask me, "What are you thinking?" and the majority of the time I just say that I love him, because... well, yes, I do love him, but to tell him that I am literally thinking of a million things all at once is hard. I often hate how much like a "woman" I am; the changing moods, the sugar cravings, the love/hate relationship with my own body, the thought process that often never makes sense even to me, and basically everything that is stereotypical of being a woman. While I wouldn't trade who I am for anything (well, actually... no, that's a topic for another day) I sometimes wish I could take the parts of my personality that I don't like and trade them in for someone else's personality. I think, in truth, we're all like that sometimes; wishing we could just change those certain parts of ourselves that we don't like for something better. I also wish I could erase all of the painful memories... life would be much simpler if I didn't have painful memories that like to haunt me in the night when I can't sleep.
As of September 7, Eric and I will be moving into our apartment in Conroe. Part of me is really excited; I'm ready to start a new life in a new place where no one knows my name or my history. But part of me is afraid. I've never lived in an apartment complex before, and from all the horror stories you hear about and all the horrible incidents you see on the news every night, I'm afraid. I know the chances of anything happening to me while we're there are slim, but... things happen.
I've recently found myself writing more. For a while, I stopped writing poetry and stories, because A. I didn't ever seem to have the time to just sit and be alone with my thoughts for an hour, and B. I just didn't feel inspired to write anything for a while. But recently, it seems inspiration has found me, and I have started writing a story and a poem. I had forgotten how therapeutic and calming writing can be.
I've come to the conclusion that doing anything creative or involving the fine arts, whether it be drawing (I can't draw to save my life), painting (can't paint to save my life), acting, singing, listening to music, dancing, writing, anything that lets me just let go and explore the depths of my mind and boundaries is basically free therapy for me. Some people think talking to others people is therapy, or even talking to their pets is therapy. And those are all good things; talking to others (even pets) can be very helpful and therapeutic for getting things off your chest or getting your jumbled thoughts straight. Talking to others is sometimes helpful for me, but most of the time I feel I can't express myself well enough in just words. Sometimes words aren't enough. Or, if all else fails, I hit the gym, and sweating it out makes me feel better too.
Well, I suppose this is enough for one post today. I might post my poem when it's finished, see what you think of it. Until next time, dear readers, ciao!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)