Confession #28: I am "My Own Worst Enemy"

My mother's always tryin to tell me how to be grateful, how to believe.

My father's always tryin to say "Baby, you're beautiful in every way."

My lover's always got me in his arms, tryin to protect me, keep me from harm.

So why do I always have to be

My worst, my own worst enemy?

The mirror.

It is, more often than not, my bitter rival; rarely does it ever say sweet, lovely words to me. The majority of the time it stares back at me with its cold, lifeless eyes and tells me the words I've been hearing since I can remember:

"You're ugly"

"You're fat"

"You'll never be as beautiful and as skinny as those other girls, so why bother trying?"

"You'll never amount to anything"

"You'll always be a nobody"

"You can't do anything right, can you?" 

"You're worthless"

Even though I have found love and found someone who loves me for everything I am and everything I'm not, it hasn't changed my relationship with mirrors. Even if I think I look great, the mirror always manages to point out a flaw or two and will gladly point them out. For me, it's always been about perfection. Not perfection in others, no; I know people aren't perfect, that it's impossible for other people to be perfect. But for me? I want nothing but perfection, especially when it comes to my appearance. Yes, I'm sure that sounds extremely vain to you, but it's true. I want nothing but perfection for myself. Often times, this need for perfection spills over into my love for music, dance, and acting, and it causes me great frustration and pain when I can't get the note right or pronounce the language right or get the movement right or say the line right.

I go to the gym, work out till the sweat is dripping off my face, go home and look at my stomach in the mirror. I turn to the side, seeing if it's any flatter, and then I turn back to the front to look at my waist, see if it's any smaller. Sure, Eric says I have a beautiful body, but in my mind I'm always thinking "Just lose a little more here and a little more there." Now, I'm sure what most people are thinking right about now:

"Erin, you suffered from anorexia for so long, are you seriously thinking about going down that road again?"
Rest assured, dear friends, I have no intentions of going down that way again. I do still eat, and the only foods I've been trying to cut out more are sweets and soda (both are so bad for my skin, and with Christmas right around the corner I'm finding myself surrounded with delicious temptations. Damn you, sugary goodness!) But, other than those things I've been trying to eat right and stay healthy. It's just... well, I am simply my own worst enemy. It's always been this way. And, in some ways, I suppose it's not always a bad thing. After all, it forces me to push myself beyond my limits and makes me better. But, it's a double-edged sword. A blessing and a curse. I do work hard at my music, but then again, in truth I don't have to work as hard as some people. I have an amazing memory when it comes to songs and lyrics, so the words of songs and usually the notes and rhythms I can remember easily.

But when it comes to my body and physical appearance, I always have to work hard to achieve my ideal look of perfection. Because of my recent knee problems, my mother has told me to stay off the treadmill for a while so as to not do any further damage to my knees, but I've been able to get on the elliptical and that hasn't caused me any pain, so I've been spending a lot of time there to get the cardio portion of my work out done. I like to do thirty minutes of cardio (since that is what doctors usually recommend) and in those thirty minutes I find myself pushing myself beyond what I think I'm capable of; burning up to at least 200-something calories and going about two miles definitely leaves me feeling shaky by the time it's all over, and then I've still got weight training to do but I simply wipe off the sweat, take a few swigs of water and get to the weights.

I don't say all this to make myself feel good or others feel bad. I say this because, in spite of all that I do when I'm at the gym, and in spite of watching my diet, for me, my own worst enemy, it's never good enough. I can't stand watching beauty pageants or anything to do with models. But, here's the strange part. I have a secret wish: I wish I looked like one of the Victoria's Secret models. I know, it's all just Photoshop, but that still doesn't prevent me from longing to achieve that level of "perfection". And now that I've scheduled my bridal appointment for trying on dresses, I'm terrified. What if I find the perfect dress but then I gain a lot of weight and it has to be altered? I know that, once school starts again in the spring and I'm taking dance classes again, I will be able to keep my weight stable, but in the back of my mind that fear is still very real.

I suppose it's good for me to have a motivation for staying in shape. After all, at least I'm not having to worry about losing a ton of weight, I just need to maintain and keep it stable. I don't like weighing myself. I hate letting numbers define me, so I generally just let my clothes tell me if I've gained or lost weight. But, that mirror...

Well, I suppose that's enough for tonight. Here's a song by Idina Menzel, one of my favorite Broadway actresses. Good night, dear readers.

"Catch My Breath" "Miss Me", and "Hall of Fame"

Wow, I can't believe that it's already December! Funny how time can either fly really fast or it can drag on for what seems like forever. I know it's been a while since my last post and I apologize for not keeping up with this; I sometimes forget that I have a blog because I get so caught up in how insanely busy I get during the fall semester. And now, the fall semester is almost over and soon it will be Christmas. I've already finished five performances in the course of the last two weeks, and have finished two finals with only one more to go (my government final is tomorrow. yeah, I'm not looking forward to that). During the winter break I'll be taking an online history class so that I can graduate in the spring semester, AND I still have to go wedding dress shopping over the break. There is still so much to do for the wedding, I feel like I don't have enough time to get it all done, and then I still have to set up auditions for universities. I've been feeling very overwhelmed lately, but I've been trying to take it all just one day at a time, and so far, it's working.

Recently, I was in the faculty dance concert at Kingwood where I performed my first dance solo in front of a live audience. I can safely say I was terrified, and while I waited to go on, I kept pacing backstage, trying to calm myself and reminding myself to keep breathing. When it came to my solo, I took my chair and positioned it on stage in the place Kallie had set for my lighting. And then, before I knew it, the music was playing and I was performing my solo. With the lighting the way it was, I couldn't see into the audience; all I saw when I looked up was a wall of black, which made me feel somewhat better, knowing I couldn't see anyone's faces, but I knew they could see me, sitting there in my chair in a single blue spotlight. I knew they could see my facial expressions as I told my story of anger, fear, hurt, wanting to speak out but too afraid to do it, feeling misunderstood, anorexia, never feeling good enough, shame. All the while I wondered whether or not my solo would speak to someone, whether it would touch someone or that someone would be able to relate to it. When I first performed it in front of my dance teachers, Ms. Llanes and Ms. King, Ms. King told me later that she had cried; she had wanted to desperately for me to get out of that chair, and when I didn't, she couldn't help but cry. Ms. Llanes was proud of me for being so brave, because she knew how terrifying this experience would be for me, someone who has never choreographed and hasn't had much technical dance training. I can't wait for the spring semester when I get to do it again. I doubt that my next solo will be chosen for the faculty show, but I will always remember that night when I first realized that I am a dancer.

It's almost Christmas, which means I will be able to take somewhat of a break from school, even though I'm taking that online history class. But, just because I'm not in school doesn't mean I intend to let myself slack off on staying in shape. I was able to stay in good shape this semester with all the dance I was doing, but now that it's over for the semester I know I'll have to stay really on top of working out and going to the gym. I know that it's silly for me to try and lose a lot of weight before the wedding; from what I hear, most brides tend to gain more weight before the wedding because of stress, but I do want to be able to feel beautiful in my dress on my special day. I know some people probably think I can get too crazy when it comes to physical fitness, but staying in shape helps me with much more than just looking good. When I get really stressed, I like to hit the gym and work out all my stress and anxiety; working up a good sweat makes me feel tired and therefore I'm able to relax a little bit. I've come to a conclusion about myself, and that is that I hate not having anything to do. Sure, it's nice to sometimes have a day or two with nothing to do but relax and sleep, but after that, I start feeling restless and lazy, and I have to do something or I start feeling horrible. Maybe that's a good thing, or maybe it's not, I haven't quite decided yet.

I hate how, when I try to write a new post on here, that my mind will suddenly go blank on what I want to say. I've got so many words, thoughts, in my mind but I feel like I can't get them out. I guess it's mainly because I've learned to be very careful with what I post here. My writing has gotten me in a lot of trouble in the past, so I try to walk on eggshells when I make new posts, which is why I prefer using songs to get my thoughts across instead of writing them. And, ever since my dance solo, I've also discovered that I love using dance as a means of expressing my feelings and thoughts. Sure, I may not be a great technical dancer, but after this semester of taking Modern dance, I've learned that you don't have to be a technical dancer to be a great dancer.

Well, I suppose that's enough for right now. Hopefully now that life is slowing down a bit I'll have more time to write. And, for your entertainment, here are some songs that I have had on repeat for a couple weeks. Take time to read the lyrics, because they say more about what I'm thinking than words ever could. Until next time, ciao!