10 Honest Thoughts on being a Survivor of Anorexia

1. I look in the mirror, and I hate my body.
I hate how flat my chest is,
How wide my hips are, not small and petite like the models on TV and in magazines.
How big and flabby my butt is, not tight and round and firm like those Victoria's Secret models. 
I hate that I will never be a size 2, or weigh less than 110 pounds.
But I also want to live.

2. My body image issues don't just stop at how much I weigh.
Whenever I see girls with small waists but large breasts, I wish that was me.
Whenever I see girls with chiseled abs and strong, muscular, lean bodies, I wish I had that much dedication to spend hours in the gym to tone my body.
Whenever I see girls with beautiful, flawless skin, I want to stick a paper bag over my head.

3. I love food, but I sometimes I feel guilty after eating it.
I feel ashamed sometimes when I eat more ice cream than the container says is a portion size.
I feel gross sometimes if I eat that piece of chocolate when I know I should have had a healthier alternative.
I feel disgusted with myself if I suddenly have a craving for something "fattening", like ice cream or cake.

4. I know that the women in magazines are often Photoshopped, but I don't care.
When I get a Victoria's Secret catalog in the mail, it makes me feel so depressed. But it also makes me want to go out and eat a gallon of ice cream, to wallow in my imperfections.
I sometimes want to download and buy Photoshop and edit all of my pictures on Facebook, just to make other people think I really do look that perfect.
I also want to download Photoshop to make my other friends jealous of how I look, because I want to be as beautiful as my friends are; I get so jealous when I see how beautiful and perfect my friends look in their pictures.

5. I don't always like the way I look in my clothes, but going clothes shopping makes me nervous.
It's always a nightmare to shop for clothes when all you're worried about is the fact that you wear double digit jean size.
While shopping for shirts isn't so bad, it's annoying when you try on a low-cut shirt and you're met with disappointment that your chest size isn't big enough to fill that shirt out just right.
And forget about bathing suit shopping. Even if everyone tells you how great you look in a bikini, you just can't believe them because, according to that dressing room mirror, you'll be sporting big t-shirts and long shorts this summer. Forget about tanning or looking cute for those summer parties; just plan to stay home and check out all your friends photos from their summer vacations in Costa Rica on Facebook.

6. When you know men don't find you attractive, but you can't quite figure out exactly why.
Is it because you aren't showing off every inch of skin you have, or is it because they don't want to see ANY of your skin?
Is it because you aren't wearing designer clothes, or is it because those cheap jeans you got from Walmart that your friend said didn't make your butt look big, actually DO make your butt look big and NOT in a good way?
Or is it because... you're just ugly?

7. Sometimes working out and exercising is the only way for you to calm your inner demons... and to shut up your inner fat girl who only wants to eat ice cream and binge watch TV shows on Netflix.
When I'm working out, no one can tell me what to do. I alone am in charge of my work out session, and for that hour or half an hour that I am in the gym, it makes me feel like I finally have control over my life.
I work out to be a healthy person, but I also work out so that I can feel somewhat better about putting on that cute shirt I've been wanting to wear for months but feel that I'm too "fat" to be able to wear.
I wish I had extra hours in the day, just so I could have more time to work out and still be able to do everything that needs to get done. And then, I could wear my cute shirts more often.

8. When you want to be healthy and look sexy and attractive for your spouse or your significant other, but you also wonder if they would still love you even if you weren't skinny anymore.
You wonder if they don't just love you for your personality and heart, but for your body as well, and if they do, could they be okay if you started putting on weight?
You wonder if, as you start to get older, if they will still love you, despite the sudden appearance of age spots, lines and wrinkles, sagging skin, and a less-than-perfect figure.
You wonder if having children will even be worth it, because of all that weight you know you will put on, and the one thing every woman dreads: stretch marks.

9. When people ask me questions like, "So... are you better now?" or, "Would you please talk to my best friend/my co-worker/my sister/my niece/my aunt/my mom/my cousin/my daughter/my neighbor? I think she has an eating disorder and it would be great if you could help her," or, "Why would you be scared of food? It's just food."
No, I'm not "better"; it's called recovery. I am a recovering anorexic.
Yes, I will try to talk to the person you wish for me to talk to, but it's not that simple. Some people don't want help.
It's not about food, at least, it's not just about food; there is always more to an eating disorder than just avoiding or binging and purging food.

10. I look in the mirror, and I hate my body.
I hate how flat my chest is,
How wide my hips are, not small and petite like the models on TV and in magazines.
How big and flabby my butt is, not tight and round and firm like those Victoria's Secret models. 
I hate that I will never be a size 2, or weigh less than 110 pounds.
But I also want to live.
I want to live a wonderful, happy, healthy life.
I want to be the person I was meant to be.
I want to help others.
I want to help make other people happy.
I want to be a good person.

I am a survivor of anorexia.