Confession #28: I am "My Own Worst Enemy"

My mother's always tryin to tell me how to be grateful, how to believe.

My father's always tryin to say "Baby, you're beautiful in every way."

My lover's always got me in his arms, tryin to protect me, keep me from harm.

So why do I always have to be

My worst, my own worst enemy?

The mirror.

It is, more often than not, my bitter rival; rarely does it ever say sweet, lovely words to me. The majority of the time it stares back at me with its cold, lifeless eyes and tells me the words I've been hearing since I can remember:

"You're ugly"

"You're fat"

"You'll never be as beautiful and as skinny as those other girls, so why bother trying?"

"You'll never amount to anything"

"You'll always be a nobody"

"You can't do anything right, can you?" 

"You're worthless"

Even though I have found love and found someone who loves me for everything I am and everything I'm not, it hasn't changed my relationship with mirrors. Even if I think I look great, the mirror always manages to point out a flaw or two and will gladly point them out. For me, it's always been about perfection. Not perfection in others, no; I know people aren't perfect, that it's impossible for other people to be perfect. But for me? I want nothing but perfection, especially when it comes to my appearance. Yes, I'm sure that sounds extremely vain to you, but it's true. I want nothing but perfection for myself. Often times, this need for perfection spills over into my love for music, dance, and acting, and it causes me great frustration and pain when I can't get the note right or pronounce the language right or get the movement right or say the line right.

I go to the gym, work out till the sweat is dripping off my face, go home and look at my stomach in the mirror. I turn to the side, seeing if it's any flatter, and then I turn back to the front to look at my waist, see if it's any smaller. Sure, Eric says I have a beautiful body, but in my mind I'm always thinking "Just lose a little more here and a little more there." Now, I'm sure what most people are thinking right about now:

"Erin, you suffered from anorexia for so long, are you seriously thinking about going down that road again?"
Rest assured, dear friends, I have no intentions of going down that way again. I do still eat, and the only foods I've been trying to cut out more are sweets and soda (both are so bad for my skin, and with Christmas right around the corner I'm finding myself surrounded with delicious temptations. Damn you, sugary goodness!) But, other than those things I've been trying to eat right and stay healthy. It's just... well, I am simply my own worst enemy. It's always been this way. And, in some ways, I suppose it's not always a bad thing. After all, it forces me to push myself beyond my limits and makes me better. But, it's a double-edged sword. A blessing and a curse. I do work hard at my music, but then again, in truth I don't have to work as hard as some people. I have an amazing memory when it comes to songs and lyrics, so the words of songs and usually the notes and rhythms I can remember easily.

But when it comes to my body and physical appearance, I always have to work hard to achieve my ideal look of perfection. Because of my recent knee problems, my mother has told me to stay off the treadmill for a while so as to not do any further damage to my knees, but I've been able to get on the elliptical and that hasn't caused me any pain, so I've been spending a lot of time there to get the cardio portion of my work out done. I like to do thirty minutes of cardio (since that is what doctors usually recommend) and in those thirty minutes I find myself pushing myself beyond what I think I'm capable of; burning up to at least 200-something calories and going about two miles definitely leaves me feeling shaky by the time it's all over, and then I've still got weight training to do but I simply wipe off the sweat, take a few swigs of water and get to the weights.

I don't say all this to make myself feel good or others feel bad. I say this because, in spite of all that I do when I'm at the gym, and in spite of watching my diet, for me, my own worst enemy, it's never good enough. I can't stand watching beauty pageants or anything to do with models. But, here's the strange part. I have a secret wish: I wish I looked like one of the Victoria's Secret models. I know, it's all just Photoshop, but that still doesn't prevent me from longing to achieve that level of "perfection". And now that I've scheduled my bridal appointment for trying on dresses, I'm terrified. What if I find the perfect dress but then I gain a lot of weight and it has to be altered? I know that, once school starts again in the spring and I'm taking dance classes again, I will be able to keep my weight stable, but in the back of my mind that fear is still very real.

I suppose it's good for me to have a motivation for staying in shape. After all, at least I'm not having to worry about losing a ton of weight, I just need to maintain and keep it stable. I don't like weighing myself. I hate letting numbers define me, so I generally just let my clothes tell me if I've gained or lost weight. But, that mirror...

Well, I suppose that's enough for tonight. Here's a song by Idina Menzel, one of my favorite Broadway actresses. Good night, dear readers.

"Catch My Breath" "Miss Me", and "Hall of Fame"

Wow, I can't believe that it's already December! Funny how time can either fly really fast or it can drag on for what seems like forever. I know it's been a while since my last post and I apologize for not keeping up with this; I sometimes forget that I have a blog because I get so caught up in how insanely busy I get during the fall semester. And now, the fall semester is almost over and soon it will be Christmas. I've already finished five performances in the course of the last two weeks, and have finished two finals with only one more to go (my government final is tomorrow. yeah, I'm not looking forward to that). During the winter break I'll be taking an online history class so that I can graduate in the spring semester, AND I still have to go wedding dress shopping over the break. There is still so much to do for the wedding, I feel like I don't have enough time to get it all done, and then I still have to set up auditions for universities. I've been feeling very overwhelmed lately, but I've been trying to take it all just one day at a time, and so far, it's working.

Recently, I was in the faculty dance concert at Kingwood where I performed my first dance solo in front of a live audience. I can safely say I was terrified, and while I waited to go on, I kept pacing backstage, trying to calm myself and reminding myself to keep breathing. When it came to my solo, I took my chair and positioned it on stage in the place Kallie had set for my lighting. And then, before I knew it, the music was playing and I was performing my solo. With the lighting the way it was, I couldn't see into the audience; all I saw when I looked up was a wall of black, which made me feel somewhat better, knowing I couldn't see anyone's faces, but I knew they could see me, sitting there in my chair in a single blue spotlight. I knew they could see my facial expressions as I told my story of anger, fear, hurt, wanting to speak out but too afraid to do it, feeling misunderstood, anorexia, never feeling good enough, shame. All the while I wondered whether or not my solo would speak to someone, whether it would touch someone or that someone would be able to relate to it. When I first performed it in front of my dance teachers, Ms. Llanes and Ms. King, Ms. King told me later that she had cried; she had wanted to desperately for me to get out of that chair, and when I didn't, she couldn't help but cry. Ms. Llanes was proud of me for being so brave, because she knew how terrifying this experience would be for me, someone who has never choreographed and hasn't had much technical dance training. I can't wait for the spring semester when I get to do it again. I doubt that my next solo will be chosen for the faculty show, but I will always remember that night when I first realized that I am a dancer.

It's almost Christmas, which means I will be able to take somewhat of a break from school, even though I'm taking that online history class. But, just because I'm not in school doesn't mean I intend to let myself slack off on staying in shape. I was able to stay in good shape this semester with all the dance I was doing, but now that it's over for the semester I know I'll have to stay really on top of working out and going to the gym. I know that it's silly for me to try and lose a lot of weight before the wedding; from what I hear, most brides tend to gain more weight before the wedding because of stress, but I do want to be able to feel beautiful in my dress on my special day. I know some people probably think I can get too crazy when it comes to physical fitness, but staying in shape helps me with much more than just looking good. When I get really stressed, I like to hit the gym and work out all my stress and anxiety; working up a good sweat makes me feel tired and therefore I'm able to relax a little bit. I've come to a conclusion about myself, and that is that I hate not having anything to do. Sure, it's nice to sometimes have a day or two with nothing to do but relax and sleep, but after that, I start feeling restless and lazy, and I have to do something or I start feeling horrible. Maybe that's a good thing, or maybe it's not, I haven't quite decided yet.

I hate how, when I try to write a new post on here, that my mind will suddenly go blank on what I want to say. I've got so many words, thoughts, in my mind but I feel like I can't get them out. I guess it's mainly because I've learned to be very careful with what I post here. My writing has gotten me in a lot of trouble in the past, so I try to walk on eggshells when I make new posts, which is why I prefer using songs to get my thoughts across instead of writing them. And, ever since my dance solo, I've also discovered that I love using dance as a means of expressing my feelings and thoughts. Sure, I may not be a great technical dancer, but after this semester of taking Modern dance, I've learned that you don't have to be a technical dancer to be a great dancer.

Well, I suppose that's enough for right now. Hopefully now that life is slowing down a bit I'll have more time to write. And, for your entertainment, here are some songs that I have had on repeat for a couple weeks. Take time to read the lyrics, because they say more about what I'm thinking than words ever could. Until next time, ciao!

Confession #27: He stole my heart, so I'm stealing his last name :-)

It's official: I'm engaged. It's been a week since Eric purposed to me at the Texas Renaissance Festival during the 1001 Dreams weekend, and I cannot begin to describe how excited I am! It was a day I'll never forget:

It was me, Eric, his parents, my parents, and 3 of my good friends. We had gotten up early that morning to drive to Ren Fest, and when we got there we walked around for a while just enjoying all the sights and sounds. Then, we came around to an area where there are some little outdoor chapels where wedding ceremonies are held. I remember there was a beautiful blue stone cross hanging up in the front of the chapel, and Eric and I walked to the front to look at it. I turned around and saw everyone sitting in the pews, and wondered what was going on. Then, I turned back to Eric and saw him smiling at me as he got down on one knee. My eyes went wide at the surprise; I had had some suspicions that he might purpose at Ren Fest because he had seemed really excited about going. Now I knew why. As Eric professed his love for me in front of our parents and my friends, I knew without a doubt that he was the one I was meant to be with, and I could only nod yes and grin like an idiot when he asked if I would marry him.

We've already decided on June 1 to be the date. And although there is still a lot of things to be done and lots of planning to do, I am so unbelievably excited to know that soon I'll be married to the love of my life and my soul mate. I've decided to make it a Fairy Tale theme wedding. We've already bought a few things, like tablecloths, but we still need to figure out how we're going to do the invitations; either get store bought ones or make our own. And I need to find someone who can take our engagement and wedding photos, and someone to make the cake. We're having the ceremony and the reception at my church, Woodridge, and we've managed to get Mr. Poland, the Minister of Music, to lead the ceremony. As for my bridesmaids? Well, I'm planning on having my three best friends from Michigan come and be bridesmaids, and then find two more plus my maid of honor, but I don't know if my friends from Michigan will be able to make it down here, because they all work and I don't know if they'll be able to get enough time off from work to be able to come down here for a week. I'm going to have to make sure I've got back-up bridesmaids, just in case someone can't make it.

As for the rest of my life? Well, the semester is almost over, hard to believe, but I'm glad; this has been a tough semester, and I'm in need of a break. But, I have some good news. This semester my dance teacher Ms. Llanes told us in Dance Performance that everyone who is in levels 3 and 4 were required as part of their grade to choreograph a solo for themselves and that it would be in the student showcase in November. I can safely say that I did manage to choreograph a solo for myself and I will be making my dance debut on November 9. I'm excited but I'm also very nervous; what if I forget the choreography or freeze up on stage once I see all those people out in the audience? I've never danced by myself in front of people so I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about this.

Anyway, I suppose that's enough for this post, and besides, I should probably get to bed since it's 12 in the morning now. Until next time, dear readers. Ciao! :-)

Update on Life and Stuffs

Well, another semester is now underway, and knowing that I've only got 3 more core classes to take before I can graduate from Kingwood with my associates degree is helping me to stay on track this semester. I'm only taking 14 credit hours this semester, 9 of which are for a couple of my core classes; Government 1, and American Literature: Civil War to the Present, which is an online class. So far, the classes aren't too difficult, but I don't expect it to stay that way. It's almost October, so I'm sure it will get more challenging as the semester goes on. My other classes are private voice lesson (with Sloat, of course), Concert choir, Chamber Singers, Chorale, Dance Performance 3 and Modern 1. My teacher for Dance Performance told us on the first day of class that, as part of our grade for this semester, we ALL have to choreograph a 2 to 4 minute solo for ourselves, and then it will be presented to her and Ms. King, and if they like it it will be selected to be in the Student Showcase in November and maybe even in the Faculty Showcase at the end of the semester. I am determined to choreograph a dance solo, and I've already started working on something but now I'm not so sure that Ms. Llanes will like it. I really do want to do a solo performance for the show, but at the same time I'm so freaking nervous about dancing in front of people that I don't know if I'll have the confidence to do it.

This semester, I have made a promise to myself. In order to stay on track with my classes (need to do good in these last 3 classes so I can keep my GPA up) I have decided to NOT DO ANY SHOWS this semester. Yes, shocking, I know, but it's what I have to do. I realized it when I was registering for my classes this semester that since I only have 3 classes left to take (providing I pass government and American lit this semester) I really need to focus on school so I can do good and keep my GPA up. Why you ask? So that in the spring, when I go auditioning for universities, my transcript looks good. I've already picked out 5 schools that I want to audition for, and they are;

UT Tyler
University of North Texas
Texas Tech University
Texas State University
and
West Texas A&M

As for the rest of my life, it couldn't be any more amazing and wonderful. I'm in love with the man of my dreams, and he is equally in love with me, maybe even more so. It's the best feeling in the world; loving someone and being loved back. And knowing that we're already planning our wedding for next summer is so unbelievable that I sometimes wonder if I'm in a dream. No, he hasn't purposed yet, but he has told me he definitely plans on it. He's even asked my parents for their blessing. Mom is thrilled but dad is still hesitant, and I think it's mainly because Eric and I haven't known each other for very long, and because I'm the baby of the family. It's strange; I never thought I'd have to worry about planning my wedding, but now, here I am at 22 and I'm now actually having to think about what kind of wedding I want. I've decided now where I want to have it, what colors I want, and what theme I want :-) it's really a strange feeling, knowing that soon I will be someone's wife. I honestly never thought it would happen to me.

In a couple weeks we'll be going to the Texas Renaissance Festival. This is my third time going, but I've never gone in October. The last 2 times I've been it was the last weekend in November, and it was freezing cold. This time, we're going to the 1001 Dreams weekend, and I'm really excited. I'm going with a bunch of my friends, my parents, Eric, and his parents. My best friend Cassandra and I are making costumes for ourselves. We're going to be fairies, and we've even made our own wings... er, well, actually Cassandra is the one who's been making the costumes, since I don't have any time to do it myself. She even made our wings. I'm hoping it won't be too hot when we go, and I really hope it doesn't rain the weekend that we're going. That wouldn't be fun, walking through the fair grounds and having to watch out for mud.

Well, I guess that's it for now, although I'm sure I'll be writing another post soon enough :-) I'm going to post the song for my dance on here, and I hope y'all like it (it's Michael Buble, so why wouldn't you like it? haha!) Until next time, dear readers.

Confession #26: I can't remember the last time I was so happy :-)

So it's been a while since my last post, and believe it or not, a lot has happened since I returned from my European trip. Yes, I know I said I would do a post on my trip and my experience over in England and Scotland, but tonight I have something a little more important to talk about.  His name is Eric, and all I can say is, I haven't been this happy in a long time. I guess I ought to explain who Eric is exactly. Well, I got back from my trip to England and Scotland and I decided to join this dating site called OKCupid that my friend Angie had told me about. I made an account and soon was talking to several different guys online. Now, I've joined other dating sites in the past and I never really found anyone who I connected with. Then, I started talking to this guy named Eric. At first, it was just the usual for me; get a message from a guy and we start talking, getting to know each other. Then, we decided to meet in person. In the past on other dating sites when I went to meet guys in person, the meeting never went well and in the end either the guy would never contact me again or I wouldn't contact him again. So that's just kind of how it went.

But not this time. This time was different. Eric and I were texting each other constantly throughout the days before our date. Before we even met in person, Eric sent me a text asking what kind of flowers I liked and I told him I liked roses. So, we decided to meet on Saturday night. Unfortunately, he just recently moved here from Missouri and lives in Baytown now, which is a good hour away from my house. But he said that would gladly meet me in Kingwood (I suggested we go to a restaurant in Kingwood since there's nothing in New Caney, which is where I live) and so we met at the La Madelines in Kingwood. The moment I got out of the car, he was standing by the driver door with a dozen red roses in his hand. Now, to say the least, I was stunned. I've never gotten roses from a guy before, and what made it even crazier is that it was the first time we were meeting each other face-to-face. The man hasn't even met me yet and already he's giving me flowers. We went into the restaurant, found a table and started talking. We must have talked for at least 45 minutes before we both realized we were hungry and should probably get something to eat. As I walked up to the counter to order, I pulled out my debit card so I would be ready to pay at the end, but then I heard him say "Put that back." I turned around and looked up at him and gave him a curious look. He smiled and again said "Put that back" so I put it back in my wallet and proceeded to give the guy behind the counter my order.

Now, I don't want to bore you with all the details, but I will say this: at the end of the night, he kissed me. And now, he's my boyfriend and I've never been so happy before. Yes, he's met my parents and they do like him, and I've met his parents and they like me. He's met a lot of my friends and they all really think he's perfect for me. Want to know something? I think he's perfect for me too :-) I honestly cannot remember the last time I was so happy. It's weird; I never thought something like this could happen to me, never thought that I would ever find happiness, but I have, and I found it in the most unexpected place at the most unexpected time.

Basically, to sum him up, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I didn't think guys like him existed anymore. He's smart, fun, funny, sweet, caring, sensitive, a true gentleman, romantic, understanding, a good listener, patient, handsome, and so much more. He's my Prince Charming and I'm his Cinderella :-) what more could a girl ask for? We've been together now for about a month and a half and already he's making plans to marry me, haha! But I told him that he has to wait until next year; I want to know exactly what school I'm going to be transferring to before I make any major decisions like getting married, especially after having known Eric for such a short time. It's weird to think that I just might actually get married. The thought itself is still pretty hard to believe, considering the fact that I spent most of my life believing that I never would find love, let alone get married. But now, it's starting to become more of a reality and I can't believe that I have found someone who actually wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

Well, I guess that's all for now. I promise to update more often (life has just been really crazy busy lately, but now that the opera is over and school doesn't start for another 2 weeks, I've got a lot more time to write more posts) And now, here's some music :-) until next time, dear readers, ciao!

 

 

And in case a certain person is reading this now, I've got a song for you.

Confession #25: So many girls fall in love with the wrong guy, simply because the wrong guy usually says the right things

It's true: girls always fall for the guys that treat them like dirt. I often hear stories about girls who have gotten into relationships with guys that have treated them horribly, but they are afraid to leave them because they think that they won't find anyone else. I happen to be one of those girls. It's nothing to be ashamed of; we as women are designed to want to be in close, intimate relationships, and when we've gotten so emotionally and physically involved with a guy, it's hard to break free. When romantic relationships are formed, there's this invisible cord between the couple. It's an emotional attachment, so when the couple breaks up, that invisible cord is hard to sever, and when you do eventually sever it, it hurts like hell. When my first boyfriend and I broke up, I can distinctly remember feeling like my heart was being torn in two. I remember the weeks and months after that living in a fog of depression, hurt, and absolute sorrow. Why? Because the emotional bond that we had had been broken and it hurt so badly.

Now, with the new emotional bond I've formed with this other person, it's hurting even worse, and I know that when it finally completely breaks, it will probably be the worst pain I've ever felt. But I know that I have to break this; it's not good for me, it's not healthy, and despite what I may think, I deserve better than this. I deserve to be treated way better than this; I don't deserve to have my heart and emotions played with by someone who doesn't really care about me. In the end, I only fell for this guy because he said all the right things. He said everything; told me I was beautiful, that I was stunning, sexy, gorgeous. He said everything that a good guy should say in a relationship. He used very pretty words; his lips were like honey, saying all kinds of sweet, lovely, beautiful things. But he's not a good guy. Yes, in general, he's a good person. I'm not saying he's not a good person. I'm saying that he's not a good guy in the sense that he said all the right things to me, but he's not willing nor wanting to be in an actual relationship with me.

Recently, during my trip to England and Scotland, I managed to finally talk to this guy and I got my answers. I finally heard the truth, and even though the truth hurt more than I can say, for some reason I couldn't bring myself to cry. I think it's because, deep down, I've always known the truth; I knew he would never choose me. I just needed him to say it, I needed him to tell me himself so I could start the process of healing and moving on with the rest of my life.Yes, it hurt to hear him tell me the truth, but I needed the truth. I would rather be told the truth and have it hurt me for a little while, than to be lied to and then find out the truth and have it hurt for a long time. It's actually a good thing that I didn't cry, because he wasn't worth my tears. Yes, I loved him very much, but I need to move on.

I think Taylor Swift can sum up this whole post very nicely in this quote of hers:


"When I was a little girl I used to read fairy tales. In fairy tales you meet Prince Charming and he's everything you ever wanted. In fairy tales the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy is always wearing a black cape so you always know who he is. Then you grow up and you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair."  

That's the hard part about reality; the bad guys can blend in and look just like everyone else, just like normal people you see on the street every day or at school or at work. But, it's not always easy to spot who the good people are either. In fairy tales, the good people are easy to spot; the wise fairy godmother, the kind princess, the noble king, the brave prince. But in reality, the "good" people can deceive you and trick you and make you think they're good, when in truth they aren't good at all. It's sad how you really can't trust people anymore.

About 2 weeks ago I woke up, having the strangest feeling that something had happened. I couldn't pinpoint it, but my gut feeling told me that something had happened. And I was right (not the first time my gut feeling has been right about something like this). I got onto my Facebook, and there was a message in my inbox. At first, I figured it was just a notification from my chat the night before with one of my best friends, Angie. It wasn't. It was a very lengthy and detailed message from a person who, for 2 years has done nothing but say horrible and cruel things to me. And, to be honest, that's what I expected to see in the message; more mean and nasty things to hurt me with, things that could possibly send me spiraling once again into the dark abyss of depression, which I am all too familiar with. No. It wasn't words of hatred: it was an apology.

Now, I'm going to be extremely honest here. When I read the first sentence, I went into shock. After reading the entire thing, I couldn't feel anything. I was so completely blown away by the mere fact that, not only was this a letter of apology, but also a letter that explained things I had no idea about. It made things seem a lot clearer, and it made me see things from this person's side. But, even after reading the entire message, part of me just couldn't believe that this person was being sincere, that this was actually a legit apology from this person. I quite honestly was wondering if someone else had wrote this or if someone else had forced this person into writing this. I guess I never really will know for sure; all I can do is assume that this person is sincere, and that they are really sorry for what they've done to me. Do I intend to forgive this person? Yes. Does that mean I will forget what this person did to me? Never. Just because you forgive someone, doesn't mean you have to or should forget what they did to you. But I will forgive. I've even begun to write my response to this person. I feel bad for taking so long to reply; it's been a couple weeks since this person sent me this message, but I want to make sure I say everything I need to say in my response, so I will be replying back. Some people think I shouldn't bother to reply back, but I don't think that's right. If I were to send someone a message telling them how sorry I am for something I've done, I would hope that they would respond back to me, so I'm going to do what I think is right.

I personally think that this recent turn of events is God saying, "Ok, Erin, it's time to close this door. You need to close it, because it's hurting you and you can't keep doing this. Let Me close it, and let Me keep it closed, because I have something much better in mind for you." Do I really believe that God has something "much better in mind" for me? Not really. I accepted the fact long ago that the chances of me ever finding love again are not in my favor. This is why God created cats.

I guess that's enough for now. I'm currently working on a post about my trip to England and Scotland, but I'll probably put that up later this weekend. I do, however, have a little song I'd like to add here. One of my favorite songs to jam out to, it's Beyonce's "Single Ladies". How cliche, yet how fitting, haha! I absolutely love the choreography in this video, and it would be so awesome if I could do this dance one day. Until next time, dear readers.

Confession #24: I guess I should've been "More Like Her"

Have you ever wished that you could be someone else? I'm sure you have at one point in your life. If you say you haven't, you're a filthy liar. Anyway, I've been listening to some artists that I don't normally listen to, mainly because I'll find a song that they sing that just matches with my mood at that moment. Last night was one of those times. I was wandering around on Youtube and I came across Miranda Lambert, a country singer. I'd heard of her before but I had never really listened to any of her songs (I'm not a huge country music fan. I'll listen occasionally to Taylor Swift, Randy Travis, and Carrie Underwood but I have to be in the right mood for country music). Like I was saying, I found this Miranda Lambert song last night and I couldn't help but love it because it expressed exactly what I was feeling at the time; wishing I was more like someone else, and wishing I could be more like this other person because then maybe I would have gotten what I really wanted. So, if you're a fan of country or even if you're not, take a listen, and maybe you'll understand what I was feeling last night. By the way, I'm still working on my other "confession"; this one just kind of was an impromptu post that I wrote up this morning while I was listening to this song. I'll post the other "confession" later, before I leave on Thursday. 

The radio is AWESOME

So, the other day I was in my car on the way to Opera Leggera dress rehearsal (we just had our show "As Time Goes By" at the Nathaniel Center this weekend and it was so much fun!) Anyway, I love driving with the radio on (gotta have my tunes) when all of a sudden the new Carrie Underwood single comes on (the only way I knew it was Carrie Underwood's new single is because the DJ said it was, otherwise I would have had no idea who was singing this song). As I listened to the lyrics of the first verse and chorus, I started to freak out a little, like, for real. Because it seemed like the song was TALKING TO ME. It was the weirdest thing! I've heard songs before that I think are speaking to me directly (that's a weird thought, I know, but when it happens to you, you'll know what I mean) but this song especially seemed to be directed right at me. So I decided to post this song for all of you, and once you listen to it and pay attention to the lyrics, you'll know exactly why I think this song is directed at me. I'm still working on my newest "confession"; a lot of stuff has happened this week, and then with the show I haven't had much time to work on the other post. But I will post it this week before I go off to England and Scotland on Thursday (I can't believe it's practically here already! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!) But yeah, here's the song. Take a listen. And I'm sure that I'm not the only girl out there that needs to hear this song.

Funny girl is funny :-)

So, a friend of mine showed me this girl's video channel on youtube, and I have to say, I have never laughed so hard in my life! This girl is HILARIOUS!!! And her dogs are ADORABLE! :-) So I decided to share some of her videos with all of you. I've been working on a new "confession" but I probably won't post it for a while, so you'll just have to be content with some of these funny videos and wait for the new post. You should definitely check out more of this girl's videos. Her username on youtube is Jenna Marbles, and she has A TON of awesome and hilarious videos.

This last video on here is what Jenna thinks of Disney movies and what they've taught her over the years. I completely agree with her (although, I do have to say, my favorite Disney princess is definitely Tiana from "The Princess and the Frog". just throwin that out there, in case anyone was wondering.)

Confession #23: Sometimes, God's "Blessings" don't come in the ways that we want or hope they would

I know I shouldn't be posting something like this. I know I shouldn't be talking about God; I have no right whatsoever to talk about God, let alone even be listening to a song like this. I'm going to be honest for a minute, if that's okay with you. I am not currently living the life that a true "child of God", a self-proclaimed Christian should be living. I know that. And many of you who are reading this post know that too. I found out the other day from a trusted friend at my church that there are people in my church who are talking about me behind my back about some decisions I've made recently; about the lifestyle I'm currently living, and the complicated and sick situation I've put myself in. I'm not going to go into detail about that situation on here, because it's very personal and it's just something that I do not feel comfortable about discussing openly on the internet. For those of you who do know what's going on, if you do wish to talk about this situation with me in private, feel free to contact me either by text, call, or Facebook message and I'll be happy to talk to you about the situation. Please, just stop the rumors and please stop talking about me behind my back.

Anyway, today after church, after talking to my trusted friend, I realized that the current situation I am in is indeed sick and twisted. It's not emotionally, mentally, or physically healthy for me in any way at all, and I am now starting to realize that. The thing is... no matter how sick or twisted it may be, part of me doesn't want to get out of it. Part me is content with how things are right now. But, deep down, I know that this situation I've put myself in isn't good for me, in any way. Still, like I said, part of me isn't ready to let go yet... part of me doesn't want it to end. I know that eventually, it will have to end, and I will have to be the one to end it. But, as I've said, there's this part of me that doesn't want it to end at all, even though that part of me KNOWS that eventually this will all have to end, for various reasons.

This situation I'm in has been going on for almost 2 years now. It's taken a huge toll on my mental and emotional health, and it has all but about killed my spiritual health. I feel like I'm lower than dirt when I walk into my church now; I'm not comfortable singing on praise team anymore because I know I shouldn't be up there singing about God and Jesus, and Sunday School and sermons are basically major guilt trips. I don't feel like I can go back to God now, because quite honestly, I don't know if I will change. I wish to go back to the days when I was an innocent, wide-eyed girl who knew nothing about the world and the pain it brings. And I know I've changed... and I don't like the girl I've become. This is not me; this is not the real Erin. And it kills me, knowing that I've fallen down so far that I don't even know which way is up anymore. I cried a lot today. And today I did something I haven't done in a while. I went to a local park before I went to work at church and I prayed. I didn't pray quietly in my mind or use any fancy words. I believe that prayer is just talking to God, and that God wants us to come to Him like we would our best friend, and He wants us to be honest with Him; we don't have to hide anything from Him, since He already knows what we're going to say and what we're thinking about anyway. So, I sat there on the bench by the lake and just told God what was going on. Lately, I feel like God just doesn't care about me, at all, so while it was hard for me to believe that God was actually listening and that He actually cares about what's going on in my life, I felt that He was listening, and that He heard every word.

And now, knowing that people are talking about me behind my back, people who are supposed to care about me and who shouldn't judge others but let God judge them are now basically ready to stone me. I just wish that, if people really cared about me and were concerned about me that they would come talk to me in person and to my face instead. So, my friend suggested that I get some confidential counseling at church, to help me deal with this situation. My friend told me that I need to focus on me right now, that I need to learn to love and value myself, because I'm not doing that at all in this situation. As for the situation itself? I'm not going to do anything about that. Not just yet. I need to step back and get a better look at this and focus on learning to value and love myself, because right now, I do not see any value in myself and I definitely do not love myself.

So, here's the song I found. It actually makes me cry to listen to it, since it hits so close to home for me. And please pay attention to the lyrics, as they are so important.

Confession #22: I'm a hopeless romantic

For the longest time, I've tried to figure out what kind of girl I am. There's so many different types, I know, but when it all comes down to it, there's only 2 types of girls: Girly Girls and Tomboys. Now, most girls I know are mainly on the Girly side of the scale, although I do know a few that lean more toward the Tomboy side. So, I've been trying to figure out what kind I am. Looking back on my childhood and teen years, I never really went too far on the Girly Girl side, but I didn't go far on the Tomboy side either. I did things little girls normally do; play with Barbies, play dress up, I loved stuffed animals (ah who am I kidding, I still love stuffed animals, haha!), pretending to be a princess (yes, I went through a Disney Princess phase, so sue me) and all those other things little girls like to do. But, I also was a bit of a Tomboy; I liked to play outside in the yard or in the woods, climbing trees, watched Power Rangers and played Power Rangers with my friends, and as I got older I went through another stage, the Goth stage (yeah, I tried going Goth... that didn't sit too well with my parents, haha!) but looking back on those early years, I realize one thing has always stayed the same. No matter how frustrated I got, no matter how lonely I was, I still believed, deep in my heart, that someday my "Prince" would come and I would live "Happily Ever After".

Now, being 22 and a full time student who has dreams of being on Broadway, I still find myself from time to time daydreaming of the day when Mr. Right comes into my life and yes, I do love to listen to the occasional love song. Do I really believe that I will find Mr. Right? I'm not sure, to be honest. Right now, I'm just trying to get through college, and considering the fact that I am constantly bombarded with rehearsals and crazy schedules and more rehearsal, dating just isn't a main priority right now. True, when the lonely feeling hits me it hits me hard, and when I see happy couples together and see all my friends getting married and having babies I get so jealous. But, I know I just don't have time for it, and it's for the best. I may never have time for it (I'm planning on becoming a Crazy Cat Lady, so whenever my parents tell me about how they can't wait until I can give them more grandkids, I tell them that they only grandkids they will get will be getting from me will be furry with four paws, whiskers and a tail) and if I don't have time for it, that's ok. In the end, none of that will matter anyway. One thing is for sure; no matter how lonely I get, I will always have my daydreams, and in my daydreams, I'm with my perfect guy. I will always be a hopeless romantic. So, I guess that's it for now. I've decided to post some of my favorite love songs (just between you and me, I have a lot of favorite love songs, but I'll only post 2 or 3, otherwise this post would never end, haha!) Until next time, my dear readers.

"Beauty Should Not Cause Pain"

One of the sweetest and most beautiful young ladies I know made this video for a project in her school. And as a survivor of anorexia, I feel like this video needs to be shown to as many young girls and women as possible. It's sad to think that so many girls and women around the world are struggling daily to reach what the media has told us about how the "ideal women" should look; big boobs, flawless skin, blond hair, tall, tan, super skinny, and basically in every way possible, the embodiment of "perfection". And how horrible is it that there are TV shows like "Toddlers and Tiaras" which shows how women are essentially abusing their little girls and making them dress up like hookers, caking their adorable little angel faces with tons of make-up. It makes me sick. It just goes to show how twisted our society is and how it has warped our minds into believing that in order to be popular, in order to get men to like you, and in order to be successful in life, you have to look a certain way and achieve a certain standard of "beauty" and "perfection". I will admit, I still have days where I look in the mirror and all I see is ugliness; all I see is a fat girl who will never find happiness unless she looks like all those models on TV and in the magazines. But I'm learning to overcome that, day by day. It's not an overnight process; it's a lifelong process. Anyway, enjoy the video and share it with every girl you know, because every girl needs to know she's beautiful.

Confession #21: I'm always wondering "When Will My Life Begin"

It's hard lately to try and stay positive. I didn't get accepted into the musical theater program at Sam Houston State University. So, that was basically a double-whammy; getting rejected from both the School of Music and from the Musical Theater program at Sam. It's been hard; I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone. I already deal with self-esteem issues on a regular basis, and not getting into the program of my choice hasn't helped make me feel better about myself. So, I'm back to square one. I've found a couple other schools that I'm going to audition for in the fall, and I plan to take a tour of the campuses during the summer; West Texas A&M, Baylor, and Texas Tech, and all three have musical theater programs.

I've been trying to think of the positive things about being at Kingwood for yet ANOTHER semester. Being at Kingwood will mean that I can take either Modern or Jazz class with Ms. Llanes (she's an awesome dance teacher), plus I'll get to be in Dance Performance again, and this means that maybe, just maybe, the dance I've been working on might get chosen for the dance concert at the end of the fall semester *fingers crossed* that would be really awesome. Also, since I'm now only about 12 credits away from getting my associates degree, I'm going to just go ahead and get it. I didn't really want to bother getting it; why get your associates unless you plan on taking a year off of school? But, now that I'm so close, I might as well go ahead and get it.

I've already done all my crying about not getting into the program; I've cried more this week than I have for the whole semester. Now, I'm just in a semi-depressed state. I am so jealous of all my friends who are going off to the colleges of their choice. I just feel like Rapunzel; stuck in my tower, wondering when my life will begin. If you've seen the movie "Tangled", then you know what I'm talking about. If not, here's a song from the movie.

Just some music... :-)

Sorry, not much to say today. However, the dance concert on Wednesday went really great! All of the dance pieces this semester were very deep and interesting, and so were some of the song choices that people danced to. So, I just wanted to share a few of these songs with you all, so you can maybe get an idea of what the dance concert was like :-)

Just a little update :-)

So, it's been a while since my last post, and I'm sorry for the delay. But a lot has been going on lately, mainly with school and shows and rehearsals and all that jazz (cue music for "All That Jazz" from 'Chicago'). Friday I had my audition for the musical theater program at Sam Houston State University. I have to be honest: I'm terrified. After getting rejected from the school of music at Sam, I'm worried that if this audition didn't go well that I will end up back at square one; stuck at Kingwood for ANOTHER semester and then try to find another college to apply to and go through the whole process all over again (it's a pain in the a** to apply for colleges; all the forms you have to fill out, all the paperwork you have to turn in, ugh) so yeah, I'm definitely extremely freaked out about this.

This semester has taken its toll on me, both mentally and physically, but it's almost over; only 1 week left of school, and then finals week. This semester I'm involved in a lot of shows and productions. The dance concert at the college, of course, is May 2nd, and thankfully that will be over before finals week, then I am also involved in a showcase with the Chamber Singers on May 11th and May 12th, the weekend after finals. It's basically like a talent show, where we will do various acts and songs. We're doing it to raise money for our recruiting trip in May that we do at the beginning of the spring semester and at the end of the spring semester. On the trip, we go to different high schools, sing for the choir kids there and try to convince them to come to Kingwood after they graduate high school. And at the end of the trip, we always go somewhere fun, like Galveston or to Artesian Lakes, but we need money to be able to do that, so we've been holding bake sales to earn money and we're going to do this showcase to earn more money. The auditions are on Monday, and I'm wanting to do a dance I've been working on, a monologue, and I want to sing a song, but we'll see what happens at the audition on Monday. Then, on May 18 and 19, the Kingwood Chorale is having our concert that weekend, and so that's another weekend where I'm booked.

Then I'm also doing another show at the Nathaniel Center with Opera Leggera. That show is called "As Time Goes By" and it's going to be a show with lots of different musical numbers from the 40s, 50s, 60s, and I think some 70s too. That's just music though, so I don't have any lines to memorize or anything, which is less stress on me. That show isn't until June though, so I've got time to learn all the music. And then, of course, my birthday is coming up. Going to be 22. Damn, I'm getting old.

But what I'm looking forward to the most is the trip to England and Scotland this summer. I'm so excited! I've only been on a plane once, when I was little, and I've only been out of the country once, to Canada, so I'm definitely excited about this trip, since I'll be going with some of my favorite people in choir and we get to sing in some really amazing places. We will be leaving on June7 and take an overnight flight, so we'll be on the plane for about 8 or 9 hours. We're going to stay in York for 3 days, then we go to the Lake District for 2 days, and then we head over to Edinburgh for 4 days and we come home on June 17. Only 40 more days until we go!

Well, I guess that's it for now. I'll post more once things start to calm down again and I have more time to get on here, haha! Until next time, ciao!

Dance Break! :-)

Not much to say tonight, unfortunately. Or maybe, fortunately, depending on how you look at it. Anyway, there's this song that I found recently that I have added to my never-ending list of Favorite Songs, haha! It's a song by Shakira. It came out 2 years ago, and apparently it was the official song of the 2010 FIFA World Cup, but that's not why I like it. It's just such a fun song to dance to! And I've even kind of started choreographing it a bit, so if I'm here next semester, I might try and make it a group dance (which, depending on whether or not I make it into the musical theater program at Sam Houston, I might be at Kingwood another semester *sigh* yeah, not what I had planned, but whatever). So, anyway, here's "Waka Waka (This Time for Africa)" by Shakira :-)

Confession #20: Sometimes, I feel like I'm playing "Russian Roulette"

I'm sure you all have heard of the game Russian Roulette before. Well, I'm going to be honest, I never knew exactly what it was until recently, when I looked it up. It's a game of chance, and the stakes are as high as they can get: life or death. There are a few different variations on the game, but the usual way of playing it is simple. A person takes a revolver, puts a single bullet in it, then they spin the cylinder, place the muzzle against their head and pull the trigger. The game can be played with more than one person, of course, but usually it's a game played alone. Well, I came to a conclusion today. Life is a lot like playing Russian Roulette; you take a chance on killing yourself when you take risks, and there are a lot of risks in life. Risks of rejection, risk of failure, risk of physical death, risk of losing everything and everyone that you hold dear, and the list could go on forever. There's so much risk involved in life, and sometimes when we take a risk, we end up with a bullet in our heads. I hate to sound so pessimistic about life, I'm really not; I try to see everything with some kind of silver lining, or at least try to find some good in the bad things, although that's not always easy. I'm just saying, I hear people say all the time (I myself have asked this question multiple times) "Why can't life be simple?" Well, I wish it was, God knows I do, but it's not, and that's a hard reality to accept. So, unfortunately, sometimes we just have to pull the trigger and see what happens, because in life, if you don't take some risks, nothing will ever happen to you, good or bad, and isn't it better to have SOMETHING happen to you than to have NOTHING ever happen to you? What a boring life that would be, plus we would never learn from our mistakes or from the mistakes of people around us.

So, I know this is considered an "old" song by most people, since it came out in 2009, but I just recently heard it, thanks to a friend of mine from school. She sent me the link to this song, and the moment I heard it, I felt a connection to the lyrics. I would prefer not to go into detail about why this song means something to me; I've learned to keep certain things off of my blog. So, here you go, "Russian Roulette" by Rihanna.

Confession #19: Some people are just plain old "Mean"

You know, it's really quite sad, the world we live in today. You can't trust anyone; everyone is suspicious of everyone else, and no one really knows what anyone's true motives are for anything. There is absolutely no sense of trust anymore. And, maybe you've noticed this as well, but I think that people have gotten even crueler in the last few years. If you've seen the news in the last few years, bullying, both at school and on the internet has become major problem. See, the problem is, is that when people think of bullying, they think of it as one kid being mean to another kid, and when people think of bullying they typically think of it as involving psychical violence. Well, it's not just kids who are involved in this, and it's not just about being psychically violent. Anyone can experience being bullied, not just kids on the playground at school. Sometimes, bullying happens in the home too; older siblings bullying their younger siblings, or parents bullying their kids (well, I guess that would more be considered child abuse, but I think it's still kind of the same thing) and it's not just about psychical violence. The worse kind of bullying is the psychological kind, where words hurt more than a punch in the face ever would.

I personally have never actually been bullied, like at school or by kids who were picking on me and giving me a hard time, but I've experienced bullying in other ways, so I can understand what it's like. To me, bullying is what happens when someone puts you down and makes you feel small, and that can be done in both the psychical way and definitely in the psychological way. I've experienced more psychological bullying than psychical, and I think that has hurt me a lot more than if someone had beat me up. People have said horrible things to me that have made me feel worthless, insignificant, hopeless, and have led me down some dark roads in my mind that I never wanted to go down. Like I said, some people are just plain old mean.

I heard this song just the other day. I know, it came out last year, so most people think of it as "old" now, but I don't care, I love the song, and I love the message it has. I would like to dedicate this song to all the mean people in my life. You may have hurt me in the past, but I'm not going to let you get into my head anymore; I'm not going to let you take me down that road again. So, here you go, this is "Mean" by Taylor Swift.

Confession #18: "Inside"

So recently, I heard a song by one of my favorite singers Sting, and when I heard it, every emotion that I've been feeling lately was found in this song. It probably doesn't make any sense the a lot of people (sadly, many people I know have never heard of Sting, much less listened to any of his music) but to me, the song really speaks volumes. Since I can't find any videos that have the lyrics on the screen, I found a video that had the lyrics in the description, but I'm going to put the lyrics in this post anyway, just because I can, haha.

"Inside" by Sting.

Inside the doors are sealed to love,
Inside my heart is sleeping.
Inside the fingers of my glove,
Inside the bones of my right hand.
Inside it's colder than the stars,
Inside the dogs are weeping.
Inside the circus of the wind,
Inside the clocks are filled with sand.
Inside she'll never hurt me,
Inside the winter's creeping.
Inside the compass of the night,
Inside the folding of the land.
Outside the stars are turning,
Outside the world's still burning.

Inside my head's a box of stars I never dared to open.
Inside the wounded hide their scars, inside this lonesome sparrow's fall.
Inside the songs of our defeat, they sing of treaties broken.
Inside this army's in retreat, we hide beneath the thunder's call.
Outside the rain keeps falling,
Outside the drums are calling.
Outside the flood won't wait,
Outside they're hammering down the gate.

Love is the child of an endless war.
Love is an open wound still raw.
Love is a shameless banner unfurled.
Love's an explosion,
Love is the fire of the world.
Love is a violent star,
A tide of destruction.
Love is an angry scar,
A violation, a mutilation, capitulation, love is annihilation, annihilation.

Inside the failures of the light, the night is wrapped around me.
Inside my eyes deny their sight, you'd never find me in this place.
Inside we're hidden from the moonlight, we shift between the shadows.
Inside the compass of the night, inside the memory of your face.
Outside the walls are shaking,
Inside the dogs are waking.
Outside the hurricane won't wait,
Inside they're howling down the gate.

Love is the child of an endless war.
Love is an open wound still raw.
Love is a shameless banner unfurled.
Love's an explosion,
Love is the fire at the end of the world.
Love is a violent star,
A tide of destruction.
Love is an angry scar,
The pain of instruction.
Love is a violation, a mutilation, capitulation,
Love is annihilation.

I climb this tower inside my head,
A spiral stair above my bed.
I dream the stairs don't ask me why,
I throw myself into the sky.

Love me like a baby, love me like an only child.
Love me like an ocean; love me like a mother mild.
Love me like a father, love me like a prodigal son.
Love me like a sister, love me like the world has just begun.
Love me like a prodigy, love me like an idiot boy.
Love me like an innocent, love me like your favorite toy.
Love me like a virgin, love me like a courtesan.
Love me like a sinner, love me like a dying man.

Annihilate me, infiltrate me, incinerate me, accelerate me, mutilate me, inundate me, violate me, implicate me, vindicate me, devastate me.

Love me like a parasite, love me like a dying sun.
Love me like a criminal, love me like a man on the run.

Radiate me, subjugate me, incubate me, recreate me, demarcate me, educate me, punctuate me, evaluate me, conjugate me, impregnate me, designate me, humiliate me, segregate me, opiate me, calibrate me, replicate me.

Spring Break 2012 :-)

So, I know it's been a while since my last post. Life has been very chaotic lately, with school, the show at the Nathaniel Center, and getting ready to transfer to Sam Houston has really kept me busy. I had my audition for the School of Music for Sam Houston on March 3rd, and I've still got my audition for the Musical Theater program. This week is tech week for the show at the Nathaniel Center, and then that weekend is the show, and once that's over I'll have more time for homework (getting homework done with this show going on hasn't been easy). So yeah, I'll be glad once this week is over and I can go back to focusing on getting ready to transfer.

I just got back from being on vacation, the first vacation I've had in I don't know how long. I went with my best friend Cassandra, her parents, her younger sister and her sister's friend to Gulf Shores, Alabama. We stayed in a hotel right on the beach, and it's so beautiful there. I've always loved the beach; the sand, the water, the waves, the seagulls, the sun, I love it all. It was really nice to just get away from everything for a week and to enjoy spending time with my best friend. And let me tell you, I had an AMAZING time! The water was so beautiful, and the sand was white. We saw lots of stingrays, jellyfish, pelicans, we even saw some dolphins one day. On the last night before we left to come home, Cassandra and I went for a walk on the beach at night. It was an amazing experience. Even though we were in a place where there were a lot of lights, when I looked up at the sky I saw so many stars it took my breath away. As we walked along the shore, I felt very much at peace and content. I haven't felt that way in a while; it was a sensation of being so perfectly happy and content with life, or at least, content and happy in that moment. It was one of those times where you just savor every second, because you know that moments like that don't happen a lot in life and you want to remember everything.

Cassandra and I had a great time together; we went tanning on the beach, went for walks around the town, went shopping (haha, I haven't shopped that much in a while, but I knew that I had to keep kind of a tight hold on my money, since I'm still saving for the trip to England and Scotland this summer), we drank pina coladas together (that was my first time ever having one. It. was. AWESOME!), we just had so much fun together! I can honestly say I haven't had that much fun in a while, especially with my best friend, the person who I tell everything to and who still loves me, despite knowing everything about me.

So, now I'm home. After spending a week in paradise, I have to be honest, I wasn't too happy about coming back home. I knew that when I got home I would have to come back to reality; to school, to the show, to all the family problems, to my own personal problems. I know you shouldn't run from your problems, but I really wasn't ready to come back home again. I could have probably stayed there a lot longer, and I wish we could have stayed longer. But, unfortunately, life doesn't work that way sometimes; we can't stay in our dreams because, eventually, we have to wake up and accept reality.

Well, I think that's enough for now. I probably won't be posting any updates until this week is over, so until next time, ciao!

Confession #17: There is a "Part of Me" that you will never break :-)

I would just like to take this time to send out a message:

To everyone who has tried to bring me down. 
To all those who have said horrible, cruel and hurtful things to me. 
To all those who have tried to make me think badly of myself so that they can somehow feel better about themselves. 
To all those who have broke my heart and rejected me. 
To all those who couldn't accept me for who I am. 
To all those who tried to convince me that I have no purpose in life.
To all those who have tried to convince me that I'm ugly.
To all those who have tried to push me over the edge. 
To all those who have wanted to extinguish my fire and passion. 
To everyone who has tried to shut me up and keep me silent. 
To everyone who has tried to convince me that I'm worthless and good for nothing. 
To everyone who believes that I'll never amount to anything in life. 
To everyone who thinks that I'm a spoiled brat and am not worthy of anyone's time or love. 
To everyone who has told me I'm fat and ugly.
To everyone who has tried to convince me that I'm unlovable. 
To everyone who has tried to convince me that I don't deserve anything good in this life. 
To everyone who has told me that I don't deserve to have someone to love and to love me. 
To everyone who thinks I deserve nothing in this life but to die alone. 
To everyone who thinks that I don't deserve the best of anything in life. 
To everyone who thinks I'm a waste of space. 
And to all those who are reading this right now.


I have just one thing to say to you all: 

Confession #16: Even though I'm surrounded by lots of people, I still feel very alone...

Well, folks, it's 1:40 in the morning, and I'm lying here in bed, completely unable to sleep. It's not that I'm not tired or anything; no, quite the contrary, I'm exhausted. But, my stupid brain is refusing to let me sleep tonight. It's that horrible moment when you're trying to sleep, but your brain just won't f***ing shut up, so you just lie there, exhausted but not finding it possible to sleep, and all the while knowing that you have to get up in a few hours. Lack of sleep makes for a very grumpy and tired Erin. And I know exactly why my brain won't let me sleep tonight. See, I've been dealing with a lot of things lately; getting ready for my transfer to Sam, trying to tie up loose ends at Kingwood, doing work for my classes for this semester, extra activities like "Foul Case of the Missing Pheasant", and some personal problems I'd rather not discuss.

*Yawn* Oi vey, this is ridiculous! I better find a way to get some sleep soon, otherwise I'm screwed for the rest of the week on my sleep cycle.

So, as the title of this post says, one of the things I've discovered recently is that, even though I have lots of people who care about me, and even though I'm constantly surrounded by those people, I still feel like an island; alone, isolated and so distant from everyone. I mean, why should I feel lonely? And it's not the same kind of lonely feeling people have when they want a girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever. No, this is a completely different kind of lonely feeling. I feel like there's just no one who understands me, at all. Yeah sure, I've got lots of friends; since college started, the amount of people I know has increased ten-fold. But, of course, not all of those people are my friends. The majority of them are acquaintances, nothing more. But, I do have several friends who I consider my close friends. And then, there's the few who are my BEST friends, the ones who I tell EVERYTHING to. And then, of course, there's my family. Literally, there is not a single day that goes by where I am not surrounded by people (except, of course, in places like the shower or the bathroom, but that's probably the only place where I don't have people around me all the time, hahaha!)

And yet, in spite of all these people who care about me, all these people who I am surrounded by on a daily basis, I still feel very alone and lonely. This feeling mostly hits at night, because it is then that I'm by myself and I can actually let myself think and process things. During the day, I barely have time to think about my own thoughts, and my own feelings about things. During the day, there's no time to reflect on things, and so at night is when my mind sets itself free and begins to wander freely. And tonight is one of those nights. Maybe I'm just being silly and childish; after all, it's pointless to think about this kind of stuff, right? But still...

I've always told myself that when I get my own place, I'm going to become a Cat Lady. You know, one of those ladies who has all those cats? Yep, that's going to be me. Yeah, yeah, I know, people think I'm being ridiculous when I talk about that, but that's what's going to happen. You see, with animals, even though they can't talk back to you like a human, they do provide unconditional love and they will always be there to listen and to welcome you home after a long, hard day. When I come home from school, my cat is always there to greet me with a meow and a purr, wanting me to pet her and love on her. She makes me smile. You see, with animals, they love you no matter what. It's not that way with people. People are not truly capable of unconditional love, at least, I don't think so. Not most people, anyway. Sure, parents say they have unconditional love for their children, but do they really? I'm not a parent, and I don't ever plan on being one, but I think that, at some point, every person has a limit to how far their love will go. I know I do, but maybe that's just me.

Because I AM surrounded constantly by people, sometimes I just have to get away. That is when I go to the woods. I know several places around Kingwood that are surrounded by woods, and it is there that I go when I need to take a break from the chaos of humanity. In those times, I'm happy to be alone. I think everyone needs to have their own space and time to be by themselves; it helps you to collect your thoughts and just gives you room to breathe. I chose to go to the woods because, for me, nature is very calming, especially the sound of water, like in a creek or a river, is very soothing and relaxing, as well as the sound of wind, and the crashing of waves on the beach. I like to go to the beach too, whenever I get the chance. It's a place where I feel very much at home. The same with the woods. Man, even just thinking about it now is calming me down a lot.

Well, I guess I should try to get some sleep. Maybe now that I've type it all out I'll be able to relax (writing things out like this helps me; it's like a type of therapy to me) so, good night, dear readers.