Confession #14: I'm gonna "Marry The Night"

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (despite the fact that I have so much homework, and I really shouldn't be thinking about anything else BUT homework, especially if I want to keep my grades up, but I digress). Anyway, I've been thinking, about a lot of things. First off, before I get started with that, I just want to give you a quick report. Friday I received my acceptance letter to Sam Houston State University! YAY!!! Now, this doesn't mean I've been accepted to the Musical Theater program or anything; I still have my audition for that on March 30th. But I've been accepted to the college! I'm so excited! Finally, I'm going to be leaving Kingwood! I'm one step closer to achieving my dream! Sure, I'll probably be at Sam for a while (4 years, at the most) but still, I'm just excited that I'm finally going off to a big university! I'm ready for this; I'm ready for change, and I'm ready to start over again, with a new school and new classes.

Well, back to what I was saying before, about that whole thinking thing I've been doing. Now that I'm definitely going to be heading off to Sam in the fall, I'm starting to realize a lot of things. I'm going to be going to a brand new school; new people, new classes, new campus, and new people. Now, for a while, my dream was this: "Oh, when I go to Sam, I'm going to meet all kinds of guys, and I just know that I'm going to find my perfect guy there, and then maybe I'll finally be truly happy again." Yeah, that was what I thought. Now, however, I've been rethinking all that. I've been thinking: "Wait... why put myself through all that? Why bother putting myself through all the pain and rejection again? I've had enough heart break to last me the rest of my life. I don't care anymore." Yeah, I finally came to the realization that no guy is going to want to be with me. I mean, let's face it, my longest relationship was 7 months, and that was with Mark, who was my first boyfriend. It's obvious that a guy just can't stand to be around me longer than that.

I know exactly what many of you are thinking right now, especially any of you who know me personally: "Oh come on, Erin, seriously! That is not true, you'll find someone someday!" No. None of that. I really wish people would start being more realistic about things, and this is one of them. I'm tired of pretending and hoping and wishing that "Someday My Prince Will Come", as the song title says. I'm done with fairytales and wishes and dreams of finding "true love". True love doesn't exist in this world anymore. Maybe it used to, back when the world was different and society actually held to virtues and morals. Maybe back then, it was easier to find love, because life wasn't as complicated as it is now. Now, the whole world is going to Hell in a handbasket and life sucks, no matter how you try to look at the positives. In the end, everyone ends up alone.

So, I've decided that I'm not even going to bother with dating when I go to Sam. Besides, I'm going to have so much schoolwork and classes and everything else that I won't have time to have a "life"; life for me will be school. I want to go for my dreams; being with a guy is just going to pull me down. So I've decided to just not even bother anymore. Seriously, what's the point? I was talking to my friend Robert the other day, and we started talking about how divorce is so high in this country, and how most marriages these don't ever make it anymore. I mean, with our parents generation, things were different. Now, my generation, people get married and then divorced within a year or two, sometimes sooner than that. So, I've been thinking, what's the point? Why put bother putting myself through all the pain of a divorce? Seriously. My pastor even talked about how it's crazy how huge the divorce numbers are in America, including divorce rates among Christian couples, which, to be honest, I wasn't entirely surprised by that statement, but whatever.

And so, dear readers, this is where I must be the weird person that I am and include the song that matches this post title. It's a song by Lady Gaga called "Marry The Night". Enjoy!

Confessions #13: That which doesn't kill me only makes me stronger

So, Kelly Clarkson is definitely one of my favorite singers of all time (Barbra Streisand being, of course, my number one favorite singer). I love the fact that the majority of Clarkson's song lyrics really say something, and that's one of the main things I look for in a song: it has to have a meaning, a story or some kind of truth in it. The lyrics have to mean something in some way. Sure, there's lots of songs that I like that have absolutely no meaning to them (for example, "Domino" by Jessie J. Now that's just a song I like to dance around like a crazy person to, hahaha!) But yeah, like I said, for me, a song's lyrics have to mean something, in one way or another. Maybe the meaning is vague (like "Disturbia" by Rihanna. I have NO idea what that song's about) or maybe the meaning is crystal clear (like "What The Hell" by Avril Lavigne). And the majority of Kelly Clarkson's music is crystal clear in it's meaning (for example, "Never Again", "The Trouble With Love Is" or "How I Feel"). All of the lyrics in those songs say something, and I can relate to the lyrics, which makes the song more personal and makes it feel more like it was meant for me.

Anyway, Kelly Clarkson just last year came out with a new album called Stronger. And I must say, two of the songs I've heard from it (the two they play on the radio at least) are A-MAZ-ING. I love these songs, and, once again, I love the lyrics especially. And one of the songs I really love because it's such an empowering song! It really is! The minute I heard it and started listening to what the lyrics were, I fell in love with this song. So, here you go! The new song from Kelly Clarkson's album Stronger, "What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)"

Confession #12: I can't wait for school to start again on Tuesday :-) and some MUSIC!

Yeah, I know that sounds crazy, and yeah, I know that once it gets to be about March/April I'm going to be complaining about how school is killing me and how I can't wait for summer break and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, yeah, I know already. But right now, I'm so BORED that I can't wait to start back to class. I especially can't wait to start back to dance classes; can't wait to get myself moving again. But, I also can't wait for school to start because this will (hopefully) be my last semester at Kingwood, and (hopefully) I'll be transferring to Sam Houston in the fall, and I'm planning to audition for the musical theater program either on February 17th or March 30th, still not sure which date yet I want to pick. Actually, it's more like, when will I be more ready and prepared to go audition. I already have my song choices picked out, now I just need to find a monologue that is a minute or under and memorize it. I just today submitted my application online for Sam. Hopefully I'll hear back from them soon.

You know, for some reason, this year feels like it's going to be a good one. I can just tell. I mean, yeah, it's going to have a lot of changes, especially if and when I go off to Sam. That's going to be A LOT of change; different school, different town, different classes, different people. Everything's going to be different. But it's what I need. I've been at Kingwood long enough, and I am in desperate need of a change of scenery. And, if I do manage to get into the musical theater program, I'll finally be able to study what I've been dreaming of doing since high school. Plus, the campus is absolutely BEAUTIFUL. A little hilly, yes, but very beautiful. Also, another plus; new guys ;-) hahaha! Yes, I am hoping that once I go to Sam that I'll find my dream guy. Only problem is going to be trying to find guys that are interested in theater who aren't gay, hahaha! I'm not going to lie, though, I'm really nervous about going off to a big university. I mean, yeah, Sam's not a HUGE school like Baylor or whatever, but it's definitely bigger than Kingwood, and I only know 2 or 3 people who go to Sam. I'm hoping that my friend, Cassandra, will come with me. She and I have talked about getting an apartment together, since she wants to get out of her house.

Well, I guess that's about it for tonight. Not much else to talk about until school starts (I swear, I have absolutely NO LIFE when school's not in session, hahaha!) But, I do have some music for you, my dear readers. So please, enjoy :-) Until next time, ciao!

So, this first one is a new song that I found recently, and this is, like, my "just gotta dance around like a crazy woman" song, hahaha! Seriously, this is MY JAM! :-)

 

 This next song is by Nicki Minaj, and this is another fun "jammin out and dance around" song.

 

 

Okay, so, this next song by Gavin DeGraw is pretty sad. Not going to lie, during the choir tour on Friday (long story short, Chamber Singers went on a recruiting tour to sing at different high schools on Friday) and during the entire trip while we were going between schools, I had this song on repeat the entire time.

Yeah, so, I know this song by Rihanna is considered "old" (it came out in 2008, I think) and I've actually thought about possibly choreographing this, but I'm not entirely sure I could pull it off. Anyway, it's kind of a creepy/weird song, but it's so AWESOME at the same time, hahaha! :-)

LOVE JASON DERULO!!! :-D haha! can you say "Sexy voice"? I think yes! 

 

Confession #11: You're the "Best Thing I Never Had"

So, as I said in my last post, my new years resolution is to become a better person. Well, one way I intend on making that resolution happen is by saying goodbye to the man who I fell in love with last year. The man who I loved more than anything, and who I thought loved me in return. It's taken me a lot of time and tears to finally come to this decision, but I've decided that I really have no other choice any more: I'm letting him go. I wanted to try and wait until the spring semester started before I made this decision; I was ready and willing to give him another chance. But no more. It's obvious that he doesn't love me. He was just using me. And I'm tired of waiting around for him to make up his d*** mind on what he really wants. If he really loved me like he said he did, he would be with me. So, I guess this is goodbye.

I don't want to make this a big deal on here. Lord knows he doesn't read this anyway. Once school starts, I won't be seeing him much anyway. I'm done with all my music classes, and the only classes I'll be taking this semester will be Chamber Singers, my voice lesson and Chorale. I'll still be in the building, since that's where all my other friends usually are, and because I use the practice rooms to practice my dances, but I have no intention of acknowledging him once school starts. Maybe once I'm gone, he'll realize what he's lost. You know what they say, you never know what you have until it's gone. Or maybe he won't, and if he doesn't notice, then he obviously didn't really care about me or love me like he said he did. Either way, I still win. I still come out on top.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on here. Yeah, I've got a lot more I could say, but I won't. Maybe later on, but not right now. So, this is the song that is PERFECT for me right now. It says exactly everything I want to say. Enjoy, dear readers.

2012: A New Year, A New Beginning, A Blank Canvas

Well, it's now the third day of 2012. Thank God 2011 is over, because last year sucked. Yeah, it had a few good moments and everything, but it was mostly a really bad year. As I look back on 2011, I see how far I've come and how much I've changed. I mean, ever since I started going to Kingwood college, I've changed a lot, emotionally, mentally and physically. I guess that's what happens when you start really growing up, but I know I've got a lot more growing up to do. And this year, I'm making it my new years resolution to become a better person. I know that sounds like such a cliche, but it's true. I've changed, but not all of those changes were for the better. I know I have things I need to work on, after all, doesn't everyone? But I know that last year I hurt people by things I said and did. I know I can't take back any of that. But it's a new year, and I want to make a fresh, new start. And I want to fix those bad changes I made. I want to become the person everyone used to know, not the person I've become.

But last year wasn't all bad. Definitely not. There were some pretty great things that happened in 2011. I turned 21, I met some new, awesome friends, I was in 'Carmen' at my college, I was in an awesome show called "Zaney Muldaney", I started Dance Performance class, I was in my first dance concert, and I began to learn how to choreograph. I found a side of me I never knew was there: I found that I could dance and that I'm pretty good at it. I may not be the best or have much experience, but I've found that I do love dance. I also fell in love, but I'd rather not talk about that; it's still pretty complicated and a little personal. Anyway, that about summarizes all the good things that happened in 2011. I'm not going to talk about the bad things. I don't want to dwell on the bad things anymore. I want to forget all that and look forward to the future, focus on this year and think about all the possibilities and things I have coming up this year that I have to look forward to, like going to England and Scotland this summer with my college choir, and going to Sam Houston in the fall.

Oh, I'd like to post a few quotes about the new year.

"Be always at War with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each New Year find you a better person." ~ Benjamin Franklin

"The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul." ~ G. K. Chesterton

"Reflect upon your blessings, of which every man has plenty, not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." ~ Charles Dickens

I would post more, but those were the only good ones I could find, haha! So yeah, I guess that's all for now. It's almost 1 in the morning, and I am hoping that tonight I can actually go to sleep before 4 in the morning (on Saturday night, New Years Eve, I didn't manage to fall asleep until 4... yeah, now my sleep cycle is even more screwed up. Oh well) until next time, dear readers. Ciao!