Confession #23: Sometimes, God's "Blessings" don't come in the ways that we want or hope they would

I know I shouldn't be posting something like this. I know I shouldn't be talking about God; I have no right whatsoever to talk about God, let alone even be listening to a song like this. I'm going to be honest for a minute, if that's okay with you. I am not currently living the life that a true "child of God", a self-proclaimed Christian should be living. I know that. And many of you who are reading this post know that too. I found out the other day from a trusted friend at my church that there are people in my church who are talking about me behind my back about some decisions I've made recently; about the lifestyle I'm currently living, and the complicated and sick situation I've put myself in. I'm not going to go into detail about that situation on here, because it's very personal and it's just something that I do not feel comfortable about discussing openly on the internet. For those of you who do know what's going on, if you do wish to talk about this situation with me in private, feel free to contact me either by text, call, or Facebook message and I'll be happy to talk to you about the situation. Please, just stop the rumors and please stop talking about me behind my back.

Anyway, today after church, after talking to my trusted friend, I realized that the current situation I am in is indeed sick and twisted. It's not emotionally, mentally, or physically healthy for me in any way at all, and I am now starting to realize that. The thing is... no matter how sick or twisted it may be, part of me doesn't want to get out of it. Part me is content with how things are right now. But, deep down, I know that this situation I've put myself in isn't good for me, in any way. Still, like I said, part of me isn't ready to let go yet... part of me doesn't want it to end. I know that eventually, it will have to end, and I will have to be the one to end it. But, as I've said, there's this part of me that doesn't want it to end at all, even though that part of me KNOWS that eventually this will all have to end, for various reasons.

This situation I'm in has been going on for almost 2 years now. It's taken a huge toll on my mental and emotional health, and it has all but about killed my spiritual health. I feel like I'm lower than dirt when I walk into my church now; I'm not comfortable singing on praise team anymore because I know I shouldn't be up there singing about God and Jesus, and Sunday School and sermons are basically major guilt trips. I don't feel like I can go back to God now, because quite honestly, I don't know if I will change. I wish to go back to the days when I was an innocent, wide-eyed girl who knew nothing about the world and the pain it brings. And I know I've changed... and I don't like the girl I've become. This is not me; this is not the real Erin. And it kills me, knowing that I've fallen down so far that I don't even know which way is up anymore. I cried a lot today. And today I did something I haven't done in a while. I went to a local park before I went to work at church and I prayed. I didn't pray quietly in my mind or use any fancy words. I believe that prayer is just talking to God, and that God wants us to come to Him like we would our best friend, and He wants us to be honest with Him; we don't have to hide anything from Him, since He already knows what we're going to say and what we're thinking about anyway. So, I sat there on the bench by the lake and just told God what was going on. Lately, I feel like God just doesn't care about me, at all, so while it was hard for me to believe that God was actually listening and that He actually cares about what's going on in my life, I felt that He was listening, and that He heard every word.

And now, knowing that people are talking about me behind my back, people who are supposed to care about me and who shouldn't judge others but let God judge them are now basically ready to stone me. I just wish that, if people really cared about me and were concerned about me that they would come talk to me in person and to my face instead. So, my friend suggested that I get some confidential counseling at church, to help me deal with this situation. My friend told me that I need to focus on me right now, that I need to learn to love and value myself, because I'm not doing that at all in this situation. As for the situation itself? I'm not going to do anything about that. Not just yet. I need to step back and get a better look at this and focus on learning to value and love myself, because right now, I do not see any value in myself and I definitely do not love myself.

So, here's the song I found. It actually makes me cry to listen to it, since it hits so close to home for me. And please pay attention to the lyrics, as they are so important.

Confession #22: I'm a hopeless romantic

For the longest time, I've tried to figure out what kind of girl I am. There's so many different types, I know, but when it all comes down to it, there's only 2 types of girls: Girly Girls and Tomboys. Now, most girls I know are mainly on the Girly side of the scale, although I do know a few that lean more toward the Tomboy side. So, I've been trying to figure out what kind I am. Looking back on my childhood and teen years, I never really went too far on the Girly Girl side, but I didn't go far on the Tomboy side either. I did things little girls normally do; play with Barbies, play dress up, I loved stuffed animals (ah who am I kidding, I still love stuffed animals, haha!), pretending to be a princess (yes, I went through a Disney Princess phase, so sue me) and all those other things little girls like to do. But, I also was a bit of a Tomboy; I liked to play outside in the yard or in the woods, climbing trees, watched Power Rangers and played Power Rangers with my friends, and as I got older I went through another stage, the Goth stage (yeah, I tried going Goth... that didn't sit too well with my parents, haha!) but looking back on those early years, I realize one thing has always stayed the same. No matter how frustrated I got, no matter how lonely I was, I still believed, deep in my heart, that someday my "Prince" would come and I would live "Happily Ever After".

Now, being 22 and a full time student who has dreams of being on Broadway, I still find myself from time to time daydreaming of the day when Mr. Right comes into my life and yes, I do love to listen to the occasional love song. Do I really believe that I will find Mr. Right? I'm not sure, to be honest. Right now, I'm just trying to get through college, and considering the fact that I am constantly bombarded with rehearsals and crazy schedules and more rehearsal, dating just isn't a main priority right now. True, when the lonely feeling hits me it hits me hard, and when I see happy couples together and see all my friends getting married and having babies I get so jealous. But, I know I just don't have time for it, and it's for the best. I may never have time for it (I'm planning on becoming a Crazy Cat Lady, so whenever my parents tell me about how they can't wait until I can give them more grandkids, I tell them that they only grandkids they will get will be getting from me will be furry with four paws, whiskers and a tail) and if I don't have time for it, that's ok. In the end, none of that will matter anyway. One thing is for sure; no matter how lonely I get, I will always have my daydreams, and in my daydreams, I'm with my perfect guy. I will always be a hopeless romantic. So, I guess that's it for now. I've decided to post some of my favorite love songs (just between you and me, I have a lot of favorite love songs, but I'll only post 2 or 3, otherwise this post would never end, haha!) Until next time, my dear readers.

"Beauty Should Not Cause Pain"

One of the sweetest and most beautiful young ladies I know made this video for a project in her school. And as a survivor of anorexia, I feel like this video needs to be shown to as many young girls and women as possible. It's sad to think that so many girls and women around the world are struggling daily to reach what the media has told us about how the "ideal women" should look; big boobs, flawless skin, blond hair, tall, tan, super skinny, and basically in every way possible, the embodiment of "perfection". And how horrible is it that there are TV shows like "Toddlers and Tiaras" which shows how women are essentially abusing their little girls and making them dress up like hookers, caking their adorable little angel faces with tons of make-up. It makes me sick. It just goes to show how twisted our society is and how it has warped our minds into believing that in order to be popular, in order to get men to like you, and in order to be successful in life, you have to look a certain way and achieve a certain standard of "beauty" and "perfection". I will admit, I still have days where I look in the mirror and all I see is ugliness; all I see is a fat girl who will never find happiness unless she looks like all those models on TV and in the magazines. But I'm learning to overcome that, day by day. It's not an overnight process; it's a lifelong process. Anyway, enjoy the video and share it with every girl you know, because every girl needs to know she's beautiful.

Confession #21: I'm always wondering "When Will My Life Begin"

It's hard lately to try and stay positive. I didn't get accepted into the musical theater program at Sam Houston State University. So, that was basically a double-whammy; getting rejected from both the School of Music and from the Musical Theater program at Sam. It's been hard; I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone. I already deal with self-esteem issues on a regular basis, and not getting into the program of my choice hasn't helped make me feel better about myself. So, I'm back to square one. I've found a couple other schools that I'm going to audition for in the fall, and I plan to take a tour of the campuses during the summer; West Texas A&M, Baylor, and Texas Tech, and all three have musical theater programs.

I've been trying to think of the positive things about being at Kingwood for yet ANOTHER semester. Being at Kingwood will mean that I can take either Modern or Jazz class with Ms. Llanes (she's an awesome dance teacher), plus I'll get to be in Dance Performance again, and this means that maybe, just maybe, the dance I've been working on might get chosen for the dance concert at the end of the fall semester *fingers crossed* that would be really awesome. Also, since I'm now only about 12 credits away from getting my associates degree, I'm going to just go ahead and get it. I didn't really want to bother getting it; why get your associates unless you plan on taking a year off of school? But, now that I'm so close, I might as well go ahead and get it.

I've already done all my crying about not getting into the program; I've cried more this week than I have for the whole semester. Now, I'm just in a semi-depressed state. I am so jealous of all my friends who are going off to the colleges of their choice. I just feel like Rapunzel; stuck in my tower, wondering when my life will begin. If you've seen the movie "Tangled", then you know what I'm talking about. If not, here's a song from the movie.

Just some music... :-)

Sorry, not much to say today. However, the dance concert on Wednesday went really great! All of the dance pieces this semester were very deep and interesting, and so were some of the song choices that people danced to. So, I just wanted to share a few of these songs with you all, so you can maybe get an idea of what the dance concert was like :-)