Confession #17: There is a "Part of Me" that you will never break :-)

I would just like to take this time to send out a message:

To everyone who has tried to bring me down. 
To all those who have said horrible, cruel and hurtful things to me. 
To all those who have tried to make me think badly of myself so that they can somehow feel better about themselves. 
To all those who have broke my heart and rejected me. 
To all those who couldn't accept me for who I am. 
To all those who tried to convince me that I have no purpose in life.
To all those who have tried to convince me that I'm ugly.
To all those who have tried to push me over the edge. 
To all those who have wanted to extinguish my fire and passion. 
To everyone who has tried to shut me up and keep me silent. 
To everyone who has tried to convince me that I'm worthless and good for nothing. 
To everyone who believes that I'll never amount to anything in life. 
To everyone who thinks that I'm a spoiled brat and am not worthy of anyone's time or love. 
To everyone who has told me I'm fat and ugly.
To everyone who has tried to convince me that I'm unlovable. 
To everyone who has tried to convince me that I don't deserve anything good in this life. 
To everyone who has told me that I don't deserve to have someone to love and to love me. 
To everyone who thinks I deserve nothing in this life but to die alone. 
To everyone who thinks that I don't deserve the best of anything in life. 
To everyone who thinks I'm a waste of space. 
And to all those who are reading this right now.


I have just one thing to say to you all: 

Confession #16: Even though I'm surrounded by lots of people, I still feel very alone...

Well, folks, it's 1:40 in the morning, and I'm lying here in bed, completely unable to sleep. It's not that I'm not tired or anything; no, quite the contrary, I'm exhausted. But, my stupid brain is refusing to let me sleep tonight. It's that horrible moment when you're trying to sleep, but your brain just won't f***ing shut up, so you just lie there, exhausted but not finding it possible to sleep, and all the while knowing that you have to get up in a few hours. Lack of sleep makes for a very grumpy and tired Erin. And I know exactly why my brain won't let me sleep tonight. See, I've been dealing with a lot of things lately; getting ready for my transfer to Sam, trying to tie up loose ends at Kingwood, doing work for my classes for this semester, extra activities like "Foul Case of the Missing Pheasant", and some personal problems I'd rather not discuss.

*Yawn* Oi vey, this is ridiculous! I better find a way to get some sleep soon, otherwise I'm screwed for the rest of the week on my sleep cycle.

So, as the title of this post says, one of the things I've discovered recently is that, even though I have lots of people who care about me, and even though I'm constantly surrounded by those people, I still feel like an island; alone, isolated and so distant from everyone. I mean, why should I feel lonely? And it's not the same kind of lonely feeling people have when they want a girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever. No, this is a completely different kind of lonely feeling. I feel like there's just no one who understands me, at all. Yeah sure, I've got lots of friends; since college started, the amount of people I know has increased ten-fold. But, of course, not all of those people are my friends. The majority of them are acquaintances, nothing more. But, I do have several friends who I consider my close friends. And then, there's the few who are my BEST friends, the ones who I tell EVERYTHING to. And then, of course, there's my family. Literally, there is not a single day that goes by where I am not surrounded by people (except, of course, in places like the shower or the bathroom, but that's probably the only place where I don't have people around me all the time, hahaha!)

And yet, in spite of all these people who care about me, all these people who I am surrounded by on a daily basis, I still feel very alone and lonely. This feeling mostly hits at night, because it is then that I'm by myself and I can actually let myself think and process things. During the day, I barely have time to think about my own thoughts, and my own feelings about things. During the day, there's no time to reflect on things, and so at night is when my mind sets itself free and begins to wander freely. And tonight is one of those nights. Maybe I'm just being silly and childish; after all, it's pointless to think about this kind of stuff, right? But still...

I've always told myself that when I get my own place, I'm going to become a Cat Lady. You know, one of those ladies who has all those cats? Yep, that's going to be me. Yeah, yeah, I know, people think I'm being ridiculous when I talk about that, but that's what's going to happen. You see, with animals, even though they can't talk back to you like a human, they do provide unconditional love and they will always be there to listen and to welcome you home after a long, hard day. When I come home from school, my cat is always there to greet me with a meow and a purr, wanting me to pet her and love on her. She makes me smile. You see, with animals, they love you no matter what. It's not that way with people. People are not truly capable of unconditional love, at least, I don't think so. Not most people, anyway. Sure, parents say they have unconditional love for their children, but do they really? I'm not a parent, and I don't ever plan on being one, but I think that, at some point, every person has a limit to how far their love will go. I know I do, but maybe that's just me.

Because I AM surrounded constantly by people, sometimes I just have to get away. That is when I go to the woods. I know several places around Kingwood that are surrounded by woods, and it is there that I go when I need to take a break from the chaos of humanity. In those times, I'm happy to be alone. I think everyone needs to have their own space and time to be by themselves; it helps you to collect your thoughts and just gives you room to breathe. I chose to go to the woods because, for me, nature is very calming, especially the sound of water, like in a creek or a river, is very soothing and relaxing, as well as the sound of wind, and the crashing of waves on the beach. I like to go to the beach too, whenever I get the chance. It's a place where I feel very much at home. The same with the woods. Man, even just thinking about it now is calming me down a lot.

Well, I guess I should try to get some sleep. Maybe now that I've type it all out I'll be able to relax (writing things out like this helps me; it's like a type of therapy to me) so, good night, dear readers.

PARTY TIME!!!

Well, not really, haha! I've been hearing this song on the radio a lot lately, and once I heard it, I immediately liked it. Now, I don't have too many favorite rap singers (I'm picky about rap music anyway) but this guy, Pitbull, I think is really good. I mean, come on; a Mexican rapper! That's awesome! Haha! It's like with Eminem; it's weird to think of a white guy trying to rap, but Eminem is pretty good, not going to lie. So, every time I hear this song (featuring Chris Brown) I always have the strange urge to get up and dance around (which is a problem, considering that most of the time when I hear the song, I'm driving, haha!) Anyway, I just wanted to post this on here, because I've been listening to it constantly on Spotify tonight. So, if you feel the urge to dance around, just go with it! It's such a fun song! :-) Enjoy!

P.S. I don't normally like most music videos, but when I saw this one, I LOVED IT.

Confession #15: "Set Fire to the Rain", "If I Die Young" and "The One That Got Away"

There is nothing that I want more than to understand why people do the things they do. Why do people lie? Why do people hurt others? Why do people murder, steal, cheat? I know it's because that's all human nature; we're all born that way. And because people are naturally selfish; we look out for ourselves before we look out for the welfare of others. Some people are just pure evil. Take Hitler, for example. I would like to think, like Anne Frank, that "people are really good at heart", but from what I've seen and experienced, this is unfortunately not true. I would like to think that people really don't want to hurt others, but when I look at everything that is going around me these days, I can't help but think that people never have the best intentions, and they really don't care about you. Oh sure, there's a couple people out there that do care; I call them my best friends. And in truth, people are very lucky if they have anyone they can call a true best friend. Most people are fortunate enough if they have one best friend; I have several. And no, I'm not just saying that. They really are my best friends. They are the people who have been there for me through it all: through the eating disorder, through the break-ups and heartbreak, through school, through family problems, through personal problems, everything. And I know I can go to them and tell them anything and they won't judge me. If you have someone you consider your best friend, don't ever let them go. The world is cruel, the world is hateful, and the world is never considerate or kind, so if you have been one of the few fortunate people to have a best friend, or more than one best friend, don't ever let them go.

Not sure where all of that just came from, to be quite honest. I guess I just needed to get that out.

Anyway, so, there's thing song by Adele that came out last year. It's called "Set Fire To The Rain", and once again, it's a song where the lyrics definitely hold a lot of meaning. It's hard to say exactly what these lyrics mean to me; the song definitely speaks to me, but I can't quite put into words why it does. All I know is, I love this song enough to where I've started choreographing some of it.Take a listen. I think you'll understand. The second song in the title is called "If I Die Young" and it's by The Band Perry (yes, that's the name of the band.) I really like this song, because, as depressing as it may be to think of, it talks about death, but not in a way that a lot of people think about death. When most people think about death, they think of pain, agony, and sorrow. Death isn't really something people like to think or talk about. But in this song, death seems more like a beautiful thing than something to fear. After hearing this song a couple times now, I've decided that, if I were to die young, I would want to be buried exactly how it talks about in the song; "bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses, sink me in the river at dawn, send me away with the words of a love song". Maybe that sounds like a stupid idea, but when I think about it that way, death doesn't sound too bad.

The third song in the title is called "The One That Got Away" by Katy Perry. This song came out just last month, and I LOVE Katy Perry. She has some really great songs and, like Kelly Clarkson, she has some songs that have lyrics that, for me, have a meaning, like "Firework". This song definitely has meaning for me. I think the song will explain itself just fine. Sorry I don't have much to say for this post. Life has gotten even crazier than I predicted it would this semester. Now not only am I an Assistant Director for "The Foul Case of the Missing Pheasant", I am now part of the cast (the girl who was originally cast for this role in the show informed us later that she wouldn't be able to participate in the show, so Ms. Brenda, the director, asked me to do the role instead. So yeah, there's that) and then there's school, and preparing to transfer to Sam Houston (I have 2 auditions next month that I need to prepare for) and of course, trying to figure out where I'll be staying, either with Cassandra or my family might move closed to Huntsville so I can just commute. There's a lot of details to still be worked out. But, as I've said before, I cannot wait to get out of here and out of the Kingwood Bubble.

And now, for some music. Enjoy!

Adele - "Set Fire to the Rain"

Katy Perry - "The One That Got Away"

The Band Perry - "If I Die Young"