Confession #30: Am I "Still That Girl"?

When I graduated high school, I didn't know that my life would drastically change over the course of the three years that I would spend at Kingwood college. When I was in high school, I was young, innocent compared to most young women my age, and with a heart on fire for God. I was so involved in my church's drama department and in the college Sunday School class, even after my ex and I broke up and I had to go to church every Sunday, knowing he would be there. I took refuge in being able to go to God with my troubles and my tears, singing on the praise team and letting Him heal my heart. Then, little by little, I began to change. I found myself doing and saying things I never would have thought I would ever have done back in high school. I would like to be able to blame it on the kind of people I started hanging around with; I would like to be able to blame it on somebody else other than myself. But I can't, because that would be a lie, and I have told enough lies in the last two years to last me a lifetime.

I would prefer not to go into the details. By now, if from what I've been told is true, everyone who is reading this probably already knows what happened to me in the last two years. If not, feel free to ask me in private. However, I will sum it all up for you: see, there was this guy...

Sound familiar right? I'm sure I'm not the only woman (or man, I suppose) out there who has started off telling a tale with that same line. It happens. Love happens. Or, what you think is love at the time anyway. In the end, we all know it wasn't love; we fooled ourselves into seeing it as love. It's true what they say, isn't it? Love really is blind. Maybe not love but lust, I suppose. Or some other kind of love. Perhaps not true love, but love in a sense that what you think you are feeling is love, when really it's... well, I don't know. But you know it's not love, true love, because with true love, the person you love loves you back, maybe even loving you more than you love them, more than you ever thought someone could ever love you. That's true love.

Ah, listen to me, rambling on about love and such. That's not really what I wanted to discuss in this post, but it did have a point.

I was listening to a song last night called "Still That Girl" by Britt Nicole. I honestly started crying after hearing the lyrics (yeah, I get pretty emotional about some songs) but it reminded me so much of how I was before I started college. And I cried, not out of joy, but out of shame and guilt. Because I hate the person I've become...

I've contemplated lately if I will ever feel at home in a church again, after all that's happened. I'm sure anyone who goes to Woodridge who is reading this right now is probably wondering what I mean by that. Well, allow me to explain. Ever since... things happened... I have felt nothing but guilt the moment I set foot in the church, not only because of what I've done, but because I feel that everyone around me has turned their back on me, is constantly judging me, and that I am just no longer needed at Woodridge. That's why I've stopped doing church choir and praise team and drama; I feel I am no longer needed, and that I am seen as nothing but trash to people, as someone who has fallen from grace. Honestly? I haven't prayed in... I don't know how long. I feel that God himself has turned his back on me, because the few times I've tried praying I feel as though my prayers are bouncing off the ceiling, or that God is just not listening to me anymore. So I stopped coming. I stopped praying. I stopped reading my Bible. Because I didn't feel that I could anymore. I thought, "What's the point anymore?" I still believe in God. Oh no, I haven't stopped believing (cue the Journey music) I've just stopped the practice. Because, as I see it, who am I to read this book or pray to a God who hates sin when I have done nothing but roll around in a sin mud pile for the last two years? I feel so filthy, so guilty, so disgusting, that I can barely stand to look at myself anymore.

Maybe now someone will understand.

Confession #29 and an Update

As a kid I can remember having an intense fear of the deep end of the pool. Thankfully, I grew out of that when I got older, but as a kid I was also greatly afraid of the dark, and that is one fear I've never grown out of. Now that I'm older, I have finally diagnosed exactly why I am so afraid of the dark: because it hides the unknown. I am a person who likes to know what's going on around me at all times, and because the darkness conceals that which is unknown, I fear it. Of course, when I was a kid, I didn't rationalize it that way. I was afraid of the dark because that's when the monsters came out. To be perfectly honest, sometimes when I'm in a dark place at night, like a hotel room or even in my own room, I still see the monsters. In the dark, in the shadows, I still see them reaching out to grab me and drag me away. I see their eyes, watching, waiting for the moment just as I'm falling asleep to invade my dreams. But worse than the monsters, are the demons. Because, with monsters, you can make them go away with just a flick of the light switch, and then BAM! They're gone. But demons are another story. Demons aren't scared of the light. In fact, demons are scarey no matter what time of day, because, while I know that monsters are only real in my mind, demons are in every way very real. And that's not the worse part. Demons can take over you. They do it all the time. Those suicidal thoughts you keep having? That's a demon talking to you. Those thoughts about how fat you are? That's a demon too. I know this, because I believe in angels.

I don't watch horror movies because I know that it will only fuel my already overactive imagination and then I will never sleep. But, over the past year, I've tried my best to get over this fear, to conquer it by watching horror movie trailers and reading scarey books, but all to no avail. Eric doesn't understand why exactly I am afraid of the dark and scarey movies. I've tried telling him that it's not so much the movie itself or the dark itself, but what could be lurking in the dark, and the enormous amounts of fear that I feel when I see something scarey in a movie. The other night we were at his house, watching TV when a commercial came on. I turned my head for a split second toward the TV, and in that split second what I saw horrified me beyond reason: a demonic looking child, its face bloodied and scarred, its eyes filled with evil, a horrifying grin, and its hand seemed to be reaching out to grab me. I turned away and started crying; I was so terrified. Eric did his best to calm me, but it was a good couple hours before I felt that I would be able to sleep. The logical part of my brain knew it wasn't real, but the other part of my brain didn't care; it was scarey, it was real, and it was going to get me. The only way I was able to sleep that night was that I kept telling myself that, if there was anything evil in the dark, an angel would protect me and save me. Now, most girls in my position would have been thinking, "Oh, I don't need an angel to protect me, my fiance will!" And yes, I know that, if something were to threaten my life, Eric would protect me. But, Eric can only protect me from things that he can see. If it were a demon or some evil spirit, Eric would be powerless. Hollywood monsters aren't as scarey when you think about how powerful real demons are; you can't see them, they have unfathomable power, they are unbelievably strong, and they can take over your body in an instant. But, of course, monsters still scare me too, even if they aren't real.

I can't quite explain why things of this nature terrify me. Maybe all those years of playing pretend as a child have finally caught up with me, and now I can't make the distinction between real and fantasy. Maybe there's something wrong with my brain. I don't know. All I know is, it's not the dark that I fear, but what is hiding in it that scares me.

And now, for an update. So, long story short, Texas Tech and University of North Texas are no longer in my future as far as school goes. I've decided to go to Sam Houston State University to pursue a Bachelors of Fine Arts in Theatre with an emphasis in Acting and Directing. Because this program doesn't require an audition, and because Sam is still my first school of choice, I've gone ahead and sent in my application and transcript. Of course, I still have to do financial aid paperwork, but I should hear back soon from Sam if I got accepted or not. I figure that, since I got accepted there last year, I should have no problem getting accepted this year. And, of course, there's still lots of wedding planning to do. I'm trying to not get too overwhelmed and enjoy the process of planning the wedding, but it's getting hard to not get freaked out as June 1 gets closer and closer every day. Plus, the semester is halfway over!! Where did the time go??? I feel like it was just January! My life is about to get extremely busy, with concerts looming over my head, assignments to do, a dance solo to complete, the Chamber Showcase coming up, and then graduation, along with the wedding and moving to the Huntsville area. Life is about to get very busy. Well, I suppose that is enough for now. I will try to post again before April, because then it will be hard for me to find any time to write. So, until then, dear readers, ciao!