Confession #34: It's hard to "Let It Go", Part 2

In my last post, I talked about how hard it often is to let go of painful memories from the past. Well, that's just one of many things that I need to let go of, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has a lot of things they need to let go of. One thing a lot of people have trouble letting go of are past regrets or past guilt. And with a new year approaching soon (yeah I know, we still have Christmas, but hey, that's next week, so... yeah, 2014 is basically right around the corner) I always like to try and start the new year off with a clean slate and a game plan for how I want to improve myself to become a better person. I found this on Facebook and after reading through it, I have found there is a lot on this list that I want to try and accomplish for the new year. I decided to highlight all the things I want to work on (which is basically all of them, haha!) but this is a great list that I just wanted to share with everyone. Yeah, I probably won't be able to make all of these changes in 2014; a lot of these things are life-long changes we make as we go along and learn more about ourselves, but, it's a good place to start for new year's resolutions. I will post again before Christmas, and of course I'll write a post after Christmas, but then I think I'll just stick to my Youtube channel until New Years Eve. Until next time, my fellow readers!

Here are 20 things to let go of in order to reach unlimited happiness.

1. Let go of all thoughts that don't make you feel empowered and strong. 

2. Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do. 

3. Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.

4. Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was exactly what you wanted. 

5. Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.

6. Let go of blaming anyone for anything; be accountable for your own life. If you don’t like something, you have two choices, accept it or change it.

7. Let go of thinking you are damaged; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are.

8. Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart.

9. Let go of being the “go-to person” for everyone, all the time; stop blowing yourself off and take care of yourself first … because you matter. 

10. Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you. 

11. Let go of thinking there's a right and wrong way to do things or to see the world. Enjoy the contrast and celebrate the diversity and richness of life.

12. Let go of cheating on your future with your past. It’s time to move on and tell a new story. 

13. Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go. 

14. Let go of anger toward ex lovers and family. We all deserve happiness and love; just because it is over doesn’t mean the love was wrong. 

15. Let go of the need to do more and be more; for today, you've done the best you can, and that's enough. 

16. Let go of thinking you have to know how to make it happen; we learn the way on the way. 

17. Let go of your money woes — make a plan to pay off debt and focus on your abundance.

18. Let go of trying to save or change people. Everyone has her own path, and the best thing you can do is work on yourself and stop focusing on others. 

19. Let go of trying to fit in and be accepted by everyone. Your uniqueness is what makes you outstanding. 

20. Let go of self-hate. You are not the shape of your body or the number on the scale. Who you are matters, and the world needs you as you are. Celebrate you!

Confession #33: Sometimes it's hard to "Let It Go"

I'm going to try and ignore the fact that it's been at least three months (maybe more) since my last post and just get down to business. I haven't posted anything in a while because I felt that, now that I'm married and going to a new school and basically starting my life over again that I didn't need this blog anymore. How wrong I was. Just because I have Eric now doesn't mean that he can solve all my problems, and it would be unfair of me to think he can help solve them all. Because it's been a while since I posted anything, I'm a bit rusty in expressing my thoughts through typing, so bear with me.

My first semester at Sam Houston State University is coming to an end soon; one more week left and then finals week. I can safely say this has been an experience. I've met some great people, from teachers to students, and I've learned more than I ever thought I would in my first semester. I have been taking a costuming class, so I've learned to sew a little, my beginning acting class, Stage Movement, Theatre History one, and tech crew, so I helped build some of the set pieces for the shows. I've also met some not-so-great people as well, and I've taken mental notes all semester on what kind of person I don't want to become in life so I don't turn out like them. I've only managed to have one emotional break down during tech week for Trojan Women so I'm proud of myself for being able to keep it together for as long as I did. I've enjoyed going to see my fellow actors perform in the school's productions for this semester (Red, Trojan Women, We Are Proud to Present a Presentation About the Herero of Namibia, Formerly Know as South West Africa, from the German Sudwestafrika, Between the years 1884-1915, and Urinetown) and I ran sound for Trojan Women. Yes, indeed, it has been one hell of a ride this semester.

My life has changed, there's no doubt about that. I've come into a new chapter of my life, and I'm in quite a strange transition; being a full-time college student while also being a wife. Some people think I'm too young to be married, but I know people who are younger than me and are married. It's a strange feeling; I feel too old to hang out with college kids, and yet I feel too young to hang out with other married couples, because most of them have kids, something I'm still not entirely sure I want yet. Today, December 1, Eric and I celebrated our six month wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's been six months already; I feel like we've been together longer than that. On Saturday, Eric took me to dinner at Chili's, then we went to see a new movie that just came out on Thanksgiving called "Frozen", and one of my favorite Broadway stars was the voice of one of the main characters, Idina Menzel (to be honest, that's really the only reason I wanted to see it because she was in it) but in the end I loved it more than I thought I would (you should check it out, by the way, it's AWESOME!)

One of the songs Idina's character sings is called "Let It Go", and not only did I love hearing Idina sing it, but I also loved the song itself. It spoke to me in a way that song hasn't spoke to me in a while, and I've been listening to it a lot today. It's funny how, when I find a song that speaks to me, I honestly can't describe why or how it does, because... well, that's one of the magical things about songs; when they speak to you, they just do, and sometimes it's hard to explain to people why it means so much to you. For me, it's always about the lyrics; if the lyrics mean something to me or inspire me in some way, it feels like I've found a best friend who finally gets me. In the words of Hans Christian Andersen, "When words fail, music speaks."

I know some people could argue that I'm still young and that I still have yet to say that I've seen my share of heartache, sorrow, pain, and all that jazz; that I have yet to say I've seen my share of hard times. But that's not true, at least I don't think so. Some things are hard to let go, no matter how painful or how much you want to desperately forget them and move on. But in order to fully live your life the way you want to, with no guilt or constantly living with those pesky little "what if"s, we need to let it go and let ourselves be free to move on. They say that everything that happens to us is what shapes us into who we are today; the good, the bad, the love, the heartbreak, the pain, the joy, all of it, makes us who we are. If those things hadn't happened to me, I wouldn't be me. If those beautiful and painful moments in my life had never happened, or if I had chosen different paths to take, I wouldn't be me. And yeah, there's things about myself I would like to change, but the way I see it, the people who truly love me and have stuck by me through all of it don't care about who I might have been or who I could have been: they care about me, just as I am. Right here, right now; they don't care about the dumb choices I made, they just care about Erin.

After I heard this song, I felt like I had found a new theme song for my life. It said everything I've been holding inside for so long without having any way to express them or let them out. When people ask me what I'm thinking about or how I am, my automatic response is "Nothing" or "Fine, how are you?" but sometimes that's not true. Sometimes I'm thinking about so many things at once that I can't even pin-point one thing to tell them about, or that I'm feeling so many things that I can't figure out where to start. Someone once told me I have "racing thoughts"; thoughts that go so fast you don't really know exactly what you're thinking or that you're just thinking of so many things at once that you can't keep up with them all. That's kind of why it's been hard for me to write any new posts lately. Not only have I been crazy busy, but I also just haven't been able to control my thoughts for a few minutes to get them in order and sort through them. But after hearing this song, I realized that by listening to this song, I could get my thoughts together.

I want to let go. I want to move on. I want to forgive but not forget and learn from it and let it shape me in a positive way. I don't want it to haunt me for the rest of my life. Some people may know what I'm talking about, but if you don't, I'm talking about the last guy I was with before I met Eric. That "relationship" changed me in so many ways, and not all of those changes were positive or good for me. Two years of my life gone, wasted on someone who didn't love me or care for me. Two years that I can never get back again. Yes, I do have Eric now and yes, I have the rest of my life with him to make wonderful memories that will someday push out those two years of broken memories. But I wish... I don't know what I wish. If I hadn't been in that "relationship", if I hadn't ended it when I did in England back in 2012, I would never have met Eric, and that's the truth.

Anyway, enough of me rambling. Here's the song. Take a good listen to the lyrics. You want to know how I feel? Then you'll listen. I've even put the lyrics here if you want to read them.

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation
and it looks like I'm the queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I've tried.

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know.

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway.

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all
Its time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I'm free.

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry
Here I stand and here I stay
Let the storm rage on.

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back, the past is in the past.

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway.

Confession #32: Stressed? Headphones in, Ignore the World

WOW. So, it's been... I have no idea how long since I wrote a post on here, which means it's been too long, SO. With that in mind, I will try to get everyone caught up on the aspects of my life as it has been as of late. For those who don't know, on June 1, I got married to the love of my life, Eric Bergerson. I am also heading off to Sam Houston State University this fall to pursue my Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in Theatre with an Emphasis in Acting and Directing. Eric and I will also be moving to Conroe soon, so that I can be closer to school, and while he'll still be working in Porter, it will only be about a thirty minute drive for him from Conroe to Porter, but I also know he's thinking about getting a different job, one that doesn't stress him out as much. While a lot of things have happened recently, there's only so much I feel I can actually talk about, or post on here, not so much for personal reasons, but because, if I do talk about them here, people will get hurt. I supposed I could always leave out the person's name, but then again, if they happen to read this, they will know who they are and will still be hurt. So, I guess it's just safe to say that I've lost a lot of "friends" in the past couple months, but I've also, in the process, discovered who my true friends are, which is few.

It's interesting how, on social media sites like Facebook, everyone likes to post about their personal political and religious beliefs. It doesn't bother me when people do that; we all have our own personal values and morals, and if you want to post that for all to see, I don't care. Good for you. But, it seems, when I try to do so, I get verbally attacked by those who disagree. Now, I don't care if people agree with me or not, that's whatever. But is it REALLY necessary to verbally assault someone just because they don't agree with you? I think that's a bit idiotic, if you ask me. We should all be free to express our opinions openly and without judgment from others. If I see something on Facebook that I don't agree with, I generally make it a personal responsibility to NOT SAY ANYTHING. I simply remove it from my newsfeed and carry on. I wish more people would do that. That's why I've lost a lot of "friends", you see; because I don't agree with their opinions, or they don't agree with mine, so they throw a temper tantrum like a child and un-friend me. I've seen A LOT of things on Facebook that I don't agree with, BELIEVE ME. But does that give me the right to criticize them for not seeing the world that way I do? Absolutely not. So, next time you see something on your newsfeed that you don't agree with, instead of suddenly getting your degree in law and criticizing someone for having different morals and values than you, simply click the little arrow next to the post, click "I don't want to see this" and viola! You will never see it again. Simple as that.

Anyway, all that aside, I am both excited and nervous about what the next few months will bring us, what with me heading off to Sam Houston. I have to admit, I am rather nervous about going to Sam. I mean, it's a new school, new people, new teachers, new classes. I'm even starting down a completely different degree path, doing theatre instead of music. I just recently registered for my classes at Sam Houston, and it looks like I'll be pulling another 13 credit hour semester (been there, done that) so I'm excited for that. I'm also really nervous because, well... I've never taken any formal theatre training. EVER. I've never taken acting classes or taken any classes related to theatre, and I'm a bit worried that it will turn out to be something I don't really want to do. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love acting and being in shows, but... maybe it's not what I'm meant to do. I suppose the only way to find out is to just go for it and see what happens.

It's strange; I used to use this blog all the time, to get out my feelings and thoughts so they didn't consume me. And now? I feel like my thoughts are always racing, constantly shifting, never staying still for a second. Eric will often ask me, "What are you thinking?" and the majority of the time I just say that I love him, because... well, yes, I do love him, but to tell him that I am literally thinking of a million things all at once is hard. I often hate how much like a "woman" I am; the changing moods, the sugar cravings, the love/hate relationship with my own body, the thought process that often never makes sense even to me, and basically everything that is stereotypical of being a woman. While I wouldn't trade who I am for anything (well, actually... no, that's a topic for another day) I sometimes wish I could take the parts of my personality that I don't like and trade them in for someone else's personality. I think, in truth, we're all like that sometimes; wishing we could just change those certain parts of ourselves that we don't like for something better. I also wish I could erase all of the painful memories... life would be much simpler if I didn't have painful memories that like to haunt me in the night when I can't sleep.

As of September 7, Eric and I will be moving into our apartment in Conroe. Part of me is really excited; I'm ready to start a new life in a new place where no one knows my name or my history. But part of me is afraid. I've never lived in an apartment complex before, and from all the horror stories you hear about and all the horrible incidents you see on the news every night, I'm afraid. I know the chances of anything happening to me while we're there are slim, but... things happen.

I've recently found myself writing more. For a while, I stopped writing poetry and stories, because A. I didn't ever seem to have the time to just sit and be alone with my thoughts for an hour, and B. I just didn't feel inspired to write anything for a while. But recently, it seems inspiration has found me, and I have started writing a story and a poem. I had forgotten how therapeutic and calming writing can be.

I've come to the conclusion that doing anything creative or involving the fine arts, whether it be drawing (I can't draw to save my life), painting (can't paint to save my life), acting, singing, listening to music, dancing, writing, anything that lets me just let go and explore the depths of my mind and boundaries is basically free therapy for me. Some people think talking to others people is therapy, or even talking to their pets is therapy. And those are all good things; talking to others (even pets) can be very helpful and therapeutic for getting things off your chest or getting your jumbled thoughts straight. Talking to others is sometimes helpful for me, but most of the time I feel I can't express myself well enough in just words. Sometimes words aren't enough. Or, if all else fails, I hit the gym, and sweating it out makes me feel better too.

Well, I suppose this is enough for one post today. I might post my poem when it's finished, see what you think of it. Until next time, dear readers, ciao!

Confession #31: "It's A Beautiful Day"

Hello, dear readers!
I am terribly sorry for not keeping up with this blog like I should. As you can imagine, life has been INSANELY CRAZY these past two months. I shall inform you all of what has transpired in the last few months, in order:

April: preparing for final performances, planning the wedding, etc. A relatively normal month, until it got to April 28.

April 28: tech rehearsal for the faculty dance concert.

April 29: Student Awards Banquet, where I was awarded Dance Student of the Year for Kingwood college.

April 30: dress rehearsal for the faculty dance concert.

May 1: Faculty dance concert, which was AMAZING!!!!!

May 2: Opening night for the Chamber Showcase. Last spring, the music department put on a showcase of sorts featuring people from the music department singing songs or playing instruments (or both at the same time) in order to raise money for our mini-tour/retreat we take at the end of the spring and fall semester.

May 3: Last night of the Chamber Showcase. At this point, I started noticing my throat feeling a little sore, but I was still able to sing, so I drank my water and did my two acts.

May 4-5: wake up with no voice, coughing my lungs out and barely able to breath. Yep, go figure; I had tired my body out completely from the week I had just gone through.

May 6: after seeing a doctor, getting some shots and being prescribed 3 different drugs, I sound better, am able to talk and not coughing as much but I still don't know how I'll sound on my voice jury tomorrow.

Which brings us to the present day. Also on May 5, I found out that I have been accepted to Sam Houston State University, where I will pursue my bachelors degree in Theatre with Emphasis in Acting and Directing... unless things don't work out for me there. See, I've been making some career backup plans, just in case theatre ends up not being my calling. And I've decided that, if theatre doesn't work out, I will either audition again for the musical theatre department, or go with dance, or maybe even possibly music therapy, which I have strongly considered, since that is a growing field right now.

Basically, life is going exactly the way I want it to right now. I say right now, because life has this funny way of jumping out from behind the couch and saying "SURPRISE MOTHERF*****!!!!!" (Note: sorry for the cuss word, but I couldn't resist hahaha). Like I said, things are going great now. With only 4 weeks to finish everything for the wedding, though, I'm starting to become a nervous wreck; I still feel like there's a lot that hasn't gotten done yet, but I know in reality that's not true, because now it's just the minor details, like getting my hair done and making sure my dress fits after the alterations (they had to take in my dress at the waist because the dress was starting to fall down because of all the heavy tulle and fabric at the bottom. I freaked out and have been ultra paranoid about the foods I put in my mouth lately, because I can't afford to lose any more or gain any more.

I will be hopefully getting a job this summer in order to help save up more money for Eric and I to get our own place once I go to Sam in the fall. It's weird; there's a lot of change happening right now, but it doesn't feel as overwhelming as I thought it would. It feels... right. I will miss my friends and teachers at Kingwood so much, but I know this is where I am supposed to go. I need to move on. In the words of Idina Menzel, "It's my turn to be brave."

There is this one song that recently came out. Michael Buble (SO MUCH SEXINESS!!! ok, fangirl moment over HAHA!) Not only is it a fun song to jam out to in the car, but it does have an underlying meaning for me. Here, why don't you take a listen? Maybe you'll figure it out for yourself :-)

P.S. I would like to dedicate this song to a certain someone. He knows who he is. You thought you had won? Well, think again!

Confession #30: Am I "Still That Girl"?

When I graduated high school, I didn't know that my life would drastically change over the course of the three years that I would spend at Kingwood college. When I was in high school, I was young, innocent compared to most young women my age, and with a heart on fire for God. I was so involved in my church's drama department and in the college Sunday School class, even after my ex and I broke up and I had to go to church every Sunday, knowing he would be there. I took refuge in being able to go to God with my troubles and my tears, singing on the praise team and letting Him heal my heart. Then, little by little, I began to change. I found myself doing and saying things I never would have thought I would ever have done back in high school. I would like to be able to blame it on the kind of people I started hanging around with; I would like to be able to blame it on somebody else other than myself. But I can't, because that would be a lie, and I have told enough lies in the last two years to last me a lifetime.

I would prefer not to go into the details. By now, if from what I've been told is true, everyone who is reading this probably already knows what happened to me in the last two years. If not, feel free to ask me in private. However, I will sum it all up for you: see, there was this guy...

Sound familiar right? I'm sure I'm not the only woman (or man, I suppose) out there who has started off telling a tale with that same line. It happens. Love happens. Or, what you think is love at the time anyway. In the end, we all know it wasn't love; we fooled ourselves into seeing it as love. It's true what they say, isn't it? Love really is blind. Maybe not love but lust, I suppose. Or some other kind of love. Perhaps not true love, but love in a sense that what you think you are feeling is love, when really it's... well, I don't know. But you know it's not love, true love, because with true love, the person you love loves you back, maybe even loving you more than you love them, more than you ever thought someone could ever love you. That's true love.

Ah, listen to me, rambling on about love and such. That's not really what I wanted to discuss in this post, but it did have a point.

I was listening to a song last night called "Still That Girl" by Britt Nicole. I honestly started crying after hearing the lyrics (yeah, I get pretty emotional about some songs) but it reminded me so much of how I was before I started college. And I cried, not out of joy, but out of shame and guilt. Because I hate the person I've become...

I've contemplated lately if I will ever feel at home in a church again, after all that's happened. I'm sure anyone who goes to Woodridge who is reading this right now is probably wondering what I mean by that. Well, allow me to explain. Ever since... things happened... I have felt nothing but guilt the moment I set foot in the church, not only because of what I've done, but because I feel that everyone around me has turned their back on me, is constantly judging me, and that I am just no longer needed at Woodridge. That's why I've stopped doing church choir and praise team and drama; I feel I am no longer needed, and that I am seen as nothing but trash to people, as someone who has fallen from grace. Honestly? I haven't prayed in... I don't know how long. I feel that God himself has turned his back on me, because the few times I've tried praying I feel as though my prayers are bouncing off the ceiling, or that God is just not listening to me anymore. So I stopped coming. I stopped praying. I stopped reading my Bible. Because I didn't feel that I could anymore. I thought, "What's the point anymore?" I still believe in God. Oh no, I haven't stopped believing (cue the Journey music) I've just stopped the practice. Because, as I see it, who am I to read this book or pray to a God who hates sin when I have done nothing but roll around in a sin mud pile for the last two years? I feel so filthy, so guilty, so disgusting, that I can barely stand to look at myself anymore.

Maybe now someone will understand.

Confession #29 and an Update

As a kid I can remember having an intense fear of the deep end of the pool. Thankfully, I grew out of that when I got older, but as a kid I was also greatly afraid of the dark, and that is one fear I've never grown out of. Now that I'm older, I have finally diagnosed exactly why I am so afraid of the dark: because it hides the unknown. I am a person who likes to know what's going on around me at all times, and because the darkness conceals that which is unknown, I fear it. Of course, when I was a kid, I didn't rationalize it that way. I was afraid of the dark because that's when the monsters came out. To be perfectly honest, sometimes when I'm in a dark place at night, like a hotel room or even in my own room, I still see the monsters. In the dark, in the shadows, I still see them reaching out to grab me and drag me away. I see their eyes, watching, waiting for the moment just as I'm falling asleep to invade my dreams. But worse than the monsters, are the demons. Because, with monsters, you can make them go away with just a flick of the light switch, and then BAM! They're gone. But demons are another story. Demons aren't scared of the light. In fact, demons are scarey no matter what time of day, because, while I know that monsters are only real in my mind, demons are in every way very real. And that's not the worse part. Demons can take over you. They do it all the time. Those suicidal thoughts you keep having? That's a demon talking to you. Those thoughts about how fat you are? That's a demon too. I know this, because I believe in angels.

I don't watch horror movies because I know that it will only fuel my already overactive imagination and then I will never sleep. But, over the past year, I've tried my best to get over this fear, to conquer it by watching horror movie trailers and reading scarey books, but all to no avail. Eric doesn't understand why exactly I am afraid of the dark and scarey movies. I've tried telling him that it's not so much the movie itself or the dark itself, but what could be lurking in the dark, and the enormous amounts of fear that I feel when I see something scarey in a movie. The other night we were at his house, watching TV when a commercial came on. I turned my head for a split second toward the TV, and in that split second what I saw horrified me beyond reason: a demonic looking child, its face bloodied and scarred, its eyes filled with evil, a horrifying grin, and its hand seemed to be reaching out to grab me. I turned away and started crying; I was so terrified. Eric did his best to calm me, but it was a good couple hours before I felt that I would be able to sleep. The logical part of my brain knew it wasn't real, but the other part of my brain didn't care; it was scarey, it was real, and it was going to get me. The only way I was able to sleep that night was that I kept telling myself that, if there was anything evil in the dark, an angel would protect me and save me. Now, most girls in my position would have been thinking, "Oh, I don't need an angel to protect me, my fiance will!" And yes, I know that, if something were to threaten my life, Eric would protect me. But, Eric can only protect me from things that he can see. If it were a demon or some evil spirit, Eric would be powerless. Hollywood monsters aren't as scarey when you think about how powerful real demons are; you can't see them, they have unfathomable power, they are unbelievably strong, and they can take over your body in an instant. But, of course, monsters still scare me too, even if they aren't real.

I can't quite explain why things of this nature terrify me. Maybe all those years of playing pretend as a child have finally caught up with me, and now I can't make the distinction between real and fantasy. Maybe there's something wrong with my brain. I don't know. All I know is, it's not the dark that I fear, but what is hiding in it that scares me.

And now, for an update. So, long story short, Texas Tech and University of North Texas are no longer in my future as far as school goes. I've decided to go to Sam Houston State University to pursue a Bachelors of Fine Arts in Theatre with an emphasis in Acting and Directing. Because this program doesn't require an audition, and because Sam is still my first school of choice, I've gone ahead and sent in my application and transcript. Of course, I still have to do financial aid paperwork, but I should hear back soon from Sam if I got accepted or not. I figure that, since I got accepted there last year, I should have no problem getting accepted this year. And, of course, there's still lots of wedding planning to do. I'm trying to not get too overwhelmed and enjoy the process of planning the wedding, but it's getting hard to not get freaked out as June 1 gets closer and closer every day. Plus, the semester is halfway over!! Where did the time go??? I feel like it was just January! My life is about to get extremely busy, with concerts looming over my head, assignments to do, a dance solo to complete, the Chamber Showcase coming up, and then graduation, along with the wedding and moving to the Huntsville area. Life is about to get very busy. Well, I suppose that is enough for now. I will try to post again before April, because then it will be hard for me to find any time to write. So, until then, dear readers, ciao!

College auditions, Wedding planning, Music, and Dance

 Sorry it's been a while since I last posted. Things have been crazy around here, mainly because of school. I've recently discovered that my dance classes this semester are demanding more essays and papers than they did last semester, so the only things I've been able to find time to write are these essays. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up on posts during Spring Break.

A new semester has begun, and if things go according to plan, this will be my last semester at Kingwood college. I've only got two more classes to take; government two, and public speaking, along with my other music and dance classes. I still don't know where I'll be transferring to, but I have four options: University of Texas at Austin, Sam Houston State University, University of North Texas, and Texas Tech. I had an audition for UT Austin on Saturday, and I had my audition for Sam Houston on the 8th. According to an email I received from a woman at Texas Tech, I don't need to audition to be part of the theatre program, but the details are still fuzzy on that, and University of North Texas doesn't require an audition for the theatre department either, so that's definitely an option for me. January 19 I had my audition at UT Austin, and now it's out of my hands; I did the best I could, and they said I should hear back soon from them. If I don't get in there, it won't be a big deal. After all, I've got three other options. Of course, I'm going to want to visit the campuses soon, and start filling out applications, while at the same time trying to graduate with my associates from Kingwood, and plan my wedding.

There's still quite a bit to get done with planning the wedding. We've got five months left, and the majority of the hard stuff is already done: got the ceremony and reception venue, my dress, Eric's outfit, the outfits for the groomsmen, and my bridesmaid have all gotten there dresses, although now I don't know if one of them is even wants to be in the wedding anymore, so I might end up getting someone else. All we really have left is the cake, food for the reception, decorations, find a florist, send out the invitations, figure out where we want to go for our honeymoon, and finalize our music list. It's a lot left to do, but I know it will get everything done in time.

As for school at the moment, well... let's just say I can't wait to graduate this semester. Lately I've been feeling that I just don't belong in the music department, mainly because most of my friends are really into opera and classical music. While that's all and good, if you were to take a look at my MP3 player, you would immediately notice an abundance of soundtracks from musicals, no instrumental music (well, that's not entirely true, but the majority isn't instrumental) and absolutely no opera music (unless if you want to consider the soundtrack from Les Miserables to be an opera, then yes, I have that). I'm starting to wonder if maybe my calling might be elsewhere, possibly dance or theatre. I've wondered this for a while now, and it's really starting to weigh on my mind as I'm getting ready to transfer and start a new life. Sure, I love to sing, but is that what I'm meant to do? I just don't feel fulfilled by it any more...

As for dance, I've been discovering that, while I may not be the smoothest dancer out on the floor or know much technique, I do love doing it, and I'm wondering if this might be what I'm supposed to do. Because of Ms. Llanes, I've seen a different side to dance. It's not just a physical activity you do with your body, but it is poetry written through the body; it is an expressive and beautiful art form that can be used to speak louder than words. While it can be exhausting, it is also rewarding, and when all else fails, it is a great form of therapy. When you just don't know what to say or how to explain it, dance can help you express yourself. People think that, in order to dance you have to look a certain way or have a certain body shape. Not true. I used to think that too; I used to think that only people who weigh less than 100 pounds could be dancers, and that you had to have had years and years of training in order to dance in front of people. Absolutely not true. While years of practice and experience do come in handy, you don't have to know anything about dance in order to choreograph a dance, and you definitely don't have to weigh less than 100 pounds. One of the beautiful things about dance is that, no matter who you are, what you look like, where you've come from, dance is for everyone. You can use dance to tell your story, like I did this past semester when I made my debut into the dance world with my first dance solo that I choreographed by myself.

Anyway, enough about that. I've also come to the conclusion that, for a twenty-three year old, I sure as hell take a lot of medication and vitamins. This morning as I was taking my pills, I noticed that I have three different types of vitamins I take (hair, skin, and nail vitamins, Lysine, and calcium), my allergy medication, and most recently glucosamine for the knee problems I've been having. Good grief, I'm not even fifty yet and I'm already falling apart!

I'm still waiting to hear back from UT Austin, and hopefully I will hear back this week from Sam Houston. If I don't get in either of those schools, I'll be making a trip up to Lubbock to visit Texas Tech, and possibly UNT. On an different note, Valentines Day is this week, and Eric says he has a surprise for me. Because Wednesday is his day off, that will be our Valentines Day, so I'm excited to see what he has planned for us :-)

Well, I suppose that is enough for now. I can't promise the next time I will post an update, but I will try my best to have one by the end of the week. I've got a lot planned for this weekend; cake tasting and going with my sister to pick out her maid of honor dress on Saturday, and also working on invitations either on Saturday or Sunday. Until next time, dear readers, ciao!

Goodbye, 2012, Hello, 2013!

Well, another year has come and gone. It seems like only yesterday that it was January and I was preparing for a new year, and I had no idea how much my life would change in just a few months. I have told a few people recently that, if I had known what was in store for me this year, I would have laughed at them. I had no idea how much I would change. Looking back on the last few years I've been going to Kingwood college, I've changed a lot, growing from the shy home schooled girl to... well, I don't really know who I am now. I know I'm not the same as I was when I graduated high school back in 2009, but I'm also not sure what I think of myself now. I don't necessarily like the new me, but I also don't hate it. There's parts of me that I'm glad have changed but there's also parts that I wish hadn't changed. Maybe that doesn't make sense; after all, I'm sure all of us have parts of our personality that we don't like that have changed over the years, but maybe that's what growing up is all about. It's about changing, becoming someone different. We're never the same person we were ten or fifteen years ago. We are constantly changing, growing, and becoming a different person. Sure, parts of us will never change, no matter how many years go by. But things like our likes and dislikes will change, as will our political and religious beliefs.

One of the highlights for me this year was my trip to England and Scotland. It was safe to say a life changing experience for me, in more ways than one. Firstly, I got to experience another part of the world I had only seen in movies or read about. I'll never forget when we arrived in England and left the airport how cold it was and how excited I was to be in another country. When we got to our hotel in York and we were able to explore the area, I felt like I was in a movie; it was so surreal! Visiting Oxford was also amazing. That was when I got lost. Somehow I had managed to get separated from our group and I found myself walking up and down the street, frightened that I wouldn't be able to find anyone but also thrilled that I could now go where I wanted and see what I wanted without having to bother with anyone else. I found a fudge shop and spent a good portion of time talking to the guys who ran it, watching them make the fudge and tasting samples before I bought some for myself, and eventually found the group again.

York was so lovely, and I wish we could have stayed longer there; I felt like I didn't get to see as much of it as I would have liked. But there was still more to see, so I decided I would come back here again someday and see it all for myself. Then we headed for the Lake District, and that, my friends, is where my life changed for the better.

I won't go into details; I already did a post about this when I came back from England about what transpired at the Lake District, so I won't bore you with that again. But I will say this. While it wasn't easy at the time, and while it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, it is one of my fondest memories from my trip to England. Why? Because I can look back on it now and realize that, in that moment in time, I liberated myself from the chains I had locked myself into for two years. Imprisonment of one's own mind is a terrible thing. I had created my own hell, and I refused to let myself out for two years. Two years of my life wasted on another human being who, in the end, never really cared about me and didn't care what he had done to me. While it is true that I was the one who refused to let go, I couldn't let go until I knew the truth. You see, there was so much going on behind the scenes that I didn't know about, and when I did finally learn the truth, I confronted him about it. I learned the truth that night at the Lake District. And the next day, I felt so unbelievably free. While it was hard to be around him for the rest of the trip, I look back on that trip with happiness, knowing that not only did I get a once in a lifetime opportunity, I had found true freedom.

People think they know what it feels like to be at the very bottom of a horrible situation. I know what that feels like, in more than one experience. I know what it's like to be so far at the bottom that you need professional psychological help, anti-depressants, sleeping pills, and someone watching you while you eat your food so they know you've eaten everything. But I also know what it's like to be so far at the bottom that you know the only way out is by your own hand, by helping yourself. I had come to a point where I knew that, if I didn't end this myself, it would kill me. It was already killing me; the secrecy, the lies, the fear, all of it was already driving me to the point of thinking that I needed to see a therapist again. And then, at the Lake District, in the room that I shared with a girl who I didn't really like, I had had it. I knew I had to end it myself. I couldn't take it anymore. That was the moment when I came to love myself. Letting go showed that I loved myself more than I loved him; I loved myself enough to know he wasn't good for me, and to do what was best for me.

Anyway, all that's in the past now. I got to spend New Year's Eve with my best friend Cassandra and Eric, and I got my first New Year's kiss, although I'm certain that there will be many more to come :-) It's now exactly five more months until the wedding, and there is still so much to do! I picked out my wedding dress on Sunday, so I've got that covered. Now it's just a matter of things like food, decorations, music, and getting the invitations send out. And one of my New Year's resolutions was this: I resolved to get rid of anyone on Facebook who no longer has a purpose in my life. I cut a few people, but the one that I did cut that made me feel the most relieved was Mark Harris, my ex. I decided that he longer had a purpose in my life, and I felt so relieved when I hit the "Unfriend" button; now I can move on. And with this new year has come a new start. This year will bring a lot of new things for me: new school, new life, new house, new friends, new everything. And I intend to make this a year to remember.

Well, I suppose that is enough for now. Eric and I will be going over to my brother's soon to have our family Christmas along with my sister, Mike and Caleb. I hope you all had a great year, I know I sure did :-) I wish you all a year filled with happiness and love! Until next time, dear readers, ciao!