My first semester at Sam Houston State University is coming to an end soon; one more week left and then finals week. I can safely say this has been an experience. I've met some great people, from teachers to students, and I've learned more than I ever thought I would in my first semester. I have been taking a costuming class, so I've learned to sew a little, my beginning acting class, Stage Movement, Theatre History one, and tech crew, so I helped build some of the set pieces for the shows. I've also met some not-so-great people as well, and I've taken mental notes all semester on what kind of person I don't want to become in life so I don't turn out like them. I've only managed to have one emotional break down during tech week for Trojan Women so I'm proud of myself for being able to keep it together for as long as I did. I've enjoyed going to see my fellow actors perform in the school's productions for this semester (Red, Trojan Women, We Are Proud to Present a Presentation About the Herero of Namibia, Formerly Know as South West Africa, from the German Sudwestafrika, Between the years 1884-1915, and Urinetown) and I ran sound for Trojan Women. Yes, indeed, it has been one hell of a ride this semester.
My life has changed, there's no doubt about that. I've come into a new chapter of my life, and I'm in quite a strange transition; being a full-time college student while also being a wife. Some people think I'm too young to be married, but I know people who are younger than me and are married. It's a strange feeling; I feel too old to hang out with college kids, and yet I feel too young to hang out with other married couples, because most of them have kids, something I'm still not entirely sure I want yet. Today, December 1, Eric and I celebrated our six month wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's been six months already; I feel like we've been together longer than that. On Saturday, Eric took me to dinner at Chili's, then we went to see a new movie that just came out on Thanksgiving called "Frozen", and one of my favorite Broadway stars was the voice of one of the main characters, Idina Menzel (to be honest, that's really the only reason I wanted to see it because she was in it) but in the end I loved it more than I thought I would (you should check it out, by the way, it's AWESOME!)
One of the songs Idina's character sings is called "Let It Go", and not only did I love hearing Idina sing it, but I also loved the song itself. It spoke to me in a way that song hasn't spoke to me in a while, and I've been listening to it a lot today. It's funny how, when I find a song that speaks to me, I honestly can't describe why or how it does, because... well, that's one of the magical things about songs; when they speak to you, they just do, and sometimes it's hard to explain to people why it means so much to you. For me, it's always about the lyrics; if the lyrics mean something to me or inspire me in some way, it feels like I've found a best friend who finally gets me. In the words of Hans Christian Andersen, "When words fail, music speaks."
I know some people could argue that I'm still young and that I still have yet to say that I've seen my share of heartache, sorrow, pain, and all that jazz; that I have yet to say I've seen my share of hard times. But that's not true, at least I don't think so. Some things are hard to let go, no matter how painful or how much you want to desperately forget them and move on. But in order to fully live your life the way you want to, with no guilt or constantly living with those pesky little "what if"s, we need to let it go and let ourselves be free to move on. They say that everything that happens to us is what shapes us into who we are today; the good, the bad, the love, the heartbreak, the pain, the joy, all of it, makes us who we are. If those things hadn't happened to me, I wouldn't be me. If those beautiful and painful moments in my life had never happened, or if I had chosen different paths to take, I wouldn't be me. And yeah, there's things about myself I would like to change, but the way I see it, the people who truly love me and have stuck by me through all of it don't care about who I might have been or who I could have been: they care about me, just as I am. Right here, right now; they don't care about the dumb choices I made, they just care about Erin.
After I heard this song, I felt like I had found a new theme song for my life. It said everything I've been holding inside for so long without having any way to express them or let them out. When people ask me what I'm thinking about or how I am, my automatic response is "Nothing" or "Fine, how are you?" but sometimes that's not true. Sometimes I'm thinking about so many things at once that I can't even pin-point one thing to tell them about, or that I'm feeling so many things that I can't figure out where to start. Someone once told me I have "racing thoughts"; thoughts that go so fast you don't really know exactly what you're thinking or that you're just thinking of so many things at once that you can't keep up with them all. That's kind of why it's been hard for me to write any new posts lately. Not only have I been crazy busy, but I also just haven't been able to control my thoughts for a few minutes to get them in order and sort through them. But after hearing this song, I realized that by listening to this song, I could get my thoughts together.
I want to let go. I want to move on. I want to forgive but not forget and learn from it and let it shape me in a positive way. I don't want it to haunt me for the rest of my life. Some people may know what I'm talking about, but if you don't, I'm talking about the last guy I was with before I met Eric. That "relationship" changed me in so many ways, and not all of those changes were positive or good for me. Two years of my life gone, wasted on someone who didn't love me or care for me. Two years that I can never get back again. Yes, I do have Eric now and yes, I have the rest of my life with him to make wonderful memories that will someday push out those two years of broken memories. But I wish... I don't know what I wish. If I hadn't been in that "relationship", if I hadn't ended it when I did in England back in 2012, I would never have met Eric, and that's the truth.
Anyway, enough of me rambling. Here's the song. Take a good listen to the lyrics. You want to know how I feel? Then you'll listen. I've even put the lyrics here if you want to read them.
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation
and it looks like I'm the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I've tried.
Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know.
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway.
It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all
Its time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I'm free.
Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry
Here I stand and here I stay
Let the storm rage on.
My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back, the past is in the past.
Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway.
No comments:
Post a Comment