Goodbye, 2012, Hello, 2013!

Well, another year has come and gone. It seems like only yesterday that it was January and I was preparing for a new year, and I had no idea how much my life would change in just a few months. I have told a few people recently that, if I had known what was in store for me this year, I would have laughed at them. I had no idea how much I would change. Looking back on the last few years I've been going to Kingwood college, I've changed a lot, growing from the shy home schooled girl to... well, I don't really know who I am now. I know I'm not the same as I was when I graduated high school back in 2009, but I'm also not sure what I think of myself now. I don't necessarily like the new me, but I also don't hate it. There's parts of me that I'm glad have changed but there's also parts that I wish hadn't changed. Maybe that doesn't make sense; after all, I'm sure all of us have parts of our personality that we don't like that have changed over the years, but maybe that's what growing up is all about. It's about changing, becoming someone different. We're never the same person we were ten or fifteen years ago. We are constantly changing, growing, and becoming a different person. Sure, parts of us will never change, no matter how many years go by. But things like our likes and dislikes will change, as will our political and religious beliefs.

One of the highlights for me this year was my trip to England and Scotland. It was safe to say a life changing experience for me, in more ways than one. Firstly, I got to experience another part of the world I had only seen in movies or read about. I'll never forget when we arrived in England and left the airport how cold it was and how excited I was to be in another country. When we got to our hotel in York and we were able to explore the area, I felt like I was in a movie; it was so surreal! Visiting Oxford was also amazing. That was when I got lost. Somehow I had managed to get separated from our group and I found myself walking up and down the street, frightened that I wouldn't be able to find anyone but also thrilled that I could now go where I wanted and see what I wanted without having to bother with anyone else. I found a fudge shop and spent a good portion of time talking to the guys who ran it, watching them make the fudge and tasting samples before I bought some for myself, and eventually found the group again.

York was so lovely, and I wish we could have stayed longer there; I felt like I didn't get to see as much of it as I would have liked. But there was still more to see, so I decided I would come back here again someday and see it all for myself. Then we headed for the Lake District, and that, my friends, is where my life changed for the better.

I won't go into details; I already did a post about this when I came back from England about what transpired at the Lake District, so I won't bore you with that again. But I will say this. While it wasn't easy at the time, and while it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, it is one of my fondest memories from my trip to England. Why? Because I can look back on it now and realize that, in that moment in time, I liberated myself from the chains I had locked myself into for two years. Imprisonment of one's own mind is a terrible thing. I had created my own hell, and I refused to let myself out for two years. Two years of my life wasted on another human being who, in the end, never really cared about me and didn't care what he had done to me. While it is true that I was the one who refused to let go, I couldn't let go until I knew the truth. You see, there was so much going on behind the scenes that I didn't know about, and when I did finally learn the truth, I confronted him about it. I learned the truth that night at the Lake District. And the next day, I felt so unbelievably free. While it was hard to be around him for the rest of the trip, I look back on that trip with happiness, knowing that not only did I get a once in a lifetime opportunity, I had found true freedom.

People think they know what it feels like to be at the very bottom of a horrible situation. I know what that feels like, in more than one experience. I know what it's like to be so far at the bottom that you need professional psychological help, anti-depressants, sleeping pills, and someone watching you while you eat your food so they know you've eaten everything. But I also know what it's like to be so far at the bottom that you know the only way out is by your own hand, by helping yourself. I had come to a point where I knew that, if I didn't end this myself, it would kill me. It was already killing me; the secrecy, the lies, the fear, all of it was already driving me to the point of thinking that I needed to see a therapist again. And then, at the Lake District, in the room that I shared with a girl who I didn't really like, I had had it. I knew I had to end it myself. I couldn't take it anymore. That was the moment when I came to love myself. Letting go showed that I loved myself more than I loved him; I loved myself enough to know he wasn't good for me, and to do what was best for me.

Anyway, all that's in the past now. I got to spend New Year's Eve with my best friend Cassandra and Eric, and I got my first New Year's kiss, although I'm certain that there will be many more to come :-) It's now exactly five more months until the wedding, and there is still so much to do! I picked out my wedding dress on Sunday, so I've got that covered. Now it's just a matter of things like food, decorations, music, and getting the invitations send out. And one of my New Year's resolutions was this: I resolved to get rid of anyone on Facebook who no longer has a purpose in my life. I cut a few people, but the one that I did cut that made me feel the most relieved was Mark Harris, my ex. I decided that he longer had a purpose in my life, and I felt so relieved when I hit the "Unfriend" button; now I can move on. And with this new year has come a new start. This year will bring a lot of new things for me: new school, new life, new house, new friends, new everything. And I intend to make this a year to remember.

Well, I suppose that is enough for now. Eric and I will be going over to my brother's soon to have our family Christmas along with my sister, Mike and Caleb. I hope you all had a great year, I know I sure did :-) I wish you all a year filled with happiness and love! Until next time, dear readers, ciao!