Confession #8: I wish I could meet an "Angel"

This semester has been really hard. Actually, this YEAR has been hard. Not just for me, but for my family. My dad has been unemployed for a year now. My grandma's brother, my uncle, is dying of cancer. My mom works full time, and even though dad has thankfully been giving a part-time janitor job at our church, we still struggle with money problems. I go to school full time and am looking for a job in order to pay for my trip to England and Scotland next summer. And while I do have a lot of good things going for me, at the end of the day, I am faced with the cold, hard facts of reality and some days it's just feels like more than I can handle. Honestly, I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with half the crap I'm dealing with. But, I wasn't exactly given a choice, so I just deal with it. Sometimes, I just have to hold back the tears, smile, laugh and pretend like everything's okay. Sometimes, that's the only way I can get through the day. Every day, people ask me "How are you?" or "Are you okay?" And usually, I answer the same way every time: "I'm okay". That's what I tell people. And it's the biggest lie ever told. But I hate bothering people with my problems. I always feel like I burden to others. Besides, everyone has their own problems to deal with. Why bother them with talking about my problems too?

Lately, it seems no matter what I do, whether it be in music or dance or acting, I'm never good enough. For anyone. Not for my choir director, or for any of the other students in the dance department, not for any of my friends or family. No one. I'm just not good enough for anyone it seems. It's never enough. What I do is never good enough. I'm never good enough. I just wish I could do something right for a change... Sometimes, I even wonder if anyone would even miss me if I was gone. Would anyone even care? Would anyone even notice if I was gone? And if anyone did notice, would it make any difference to anyone? Sometimes I wonder if I just left one day, and didn't tell anyone where I was going, would anyone even try to find me?

I wish I could meet an angel. I think an angel would be a good friend to have. An angel would be a great listener. And not only would they listen, but they would also be able to help me, too. An angel would makes things right, because angels can do miracles. And I could really use a miracle, or two, or three, right now. Anyway, this weekend is Thanksgiving break. I won't have to go to school on Thursday or Friday, which means I can sleep in and catch up on school work. I've got some papers for my dance classes that I have to write. I'm sure I'll post more during the weekend. Until then, farewell, my dear readers.